What I've Learned

I am in this essence of calm for now.  Trying to keep myself there is a job!  As I went through a week of intense therapy, I learned a lot in a short amount of time.  Now to keep myself there from week to week until each session of support.

Last week I learned I took other peoples problems and made them my own.  Therefore, really taking on a lot of stress.  trying to manage that kind of stress is so unhealthy for anyone, but especially for me!  With fibro, any stress increases your pain, and I was making my pain worse.

Secondly, I learned that I have not dealt with my past, thus it is interfering with my present.  I thought I had dealt with everything and put it behind me and moved forward.  But I realized I just pushed it to the back of my mind and it is just sitting there still affecting how I think and do things without even realizing it.  Well now I do, and it is time to actually deal with it.

Third thing I have learned, is I have several encounters, or things that have happened in my life that have caused post traumatic stress disorder, that I didn't realize what even happened to me.  And this needs to be dealt with carefully and with a professional that can understand that I have been through a lot of things that any one person would be lost just going through one of these issues.

So I have learned a lot.  And I am taking it all in stride.  One thing at a time.  Working on communication first as that is my biggest problem.  I never ask for help, I never say no.  So some hard work for me.

Physically I am doing okay.  I have had a headache for about eight days now.  It doesn't go away.  I am not sleeping well at night and I am tired.  I am sore in my back and neck and around my ribs, but I can handle the pain so far.  I do attribute some of the pain to the weather.  It is so cold here.  But overall I am not screaming in pain, and I am able to kind of control it through my breathing.  If this would of been before, I would be in bed screaming in pain.  I am doing my best to maintain.

I am a fighter.  I am strong.  I am kind, compassionate, and unique!  I will survive!  This is my life!

Ok new site because of unwanted people in my life spying on me.

Meds

My mood is better today!  It's probably because I took pain meds and put on a lidoderm patch too.  Take the pain away and it's amazing how your mood can change.  The irritability just lifts away and I feel so much better.  You would think I would just take the meds more often, but I just have this thing about having to take pain medication.  I know I can get relief if I take it before it gets too bad, but I just don't like to take it.  I know too many people who have died from taking pain medication, and the thought of it killing off my organs every time I use it really bothers me.  I use my lidoderm patches all the time though.  I don't think I could make it with out them!  But they are not enough alone, and I am just not comfortable taking vicoden all the time.

It's not just the fact of taking he meds, its the effects of the meds.  Walking around like you are high, isn't fun to me.  I don't like that feeling at all.  Especially if there are people around me.  Then I get paranoid that everyone knows I am "doped" up!  Not fun...

I read that the FDA suggested that Vicoden and Percocet should be removed from the market because of the acetaminophen levels in it.  This kind of bother me due to the fact that when I need it, I really need it!  I can't imagine not having it to take when I am in desperate need of some relief.  That would just be awful for chronic pain patients that don't abuse their meds!  I realize there are a lot of people out there that abuse these drugs, but those o us that don't, are going to suffer dearly if they pull them from the market like they did Darvon and Darvocet, which I used to take.

Well I guess they will do what they want, they always do.  It doesn't matter if it hurts some people.  that is just how I feel.  But for now, I can enjoy the rest of my day.

I Will Survive!: STUFF

I Will Survive!: STUFF: Family can be the most frustrating at times! Just when you think they get it, they throw you a curve ball and you realize how much they re...

STUFF

Family can be the most frustrating at times!  Just when you think they get it, they throw you a curve ball and you realize how much they really haven't listened to a word you have said!  Sometimes I just wish things could be different and I could turn that "Aha" light on!

As I struggle to maintain some type of normalcy in my life, I am clinging to the thought of, "things will settle down soon!"  It never seems to come though.  I keep thinking it's right around the corner.  But I am so exhausted, I am falling further, and further behind.  My house is a mess.  Cluttered is the word.  The floors are clean, but the table is full of "stuff", the counters are full of "stuff", my dresser is full of "stuff", and I look at it and become so overwhelmed that I can't seem to get anything done.  I try and start, and it seems to move from one area to another because I don't know where or what to do with it.

Now that my grandson is here, there is more stuff to deal with on a daily basis, and I am just tired.  We have a schedule now which helps, but it doesn't leave time for the rest of the "stuff" cause I am just to exhausted to deal with it.  Plus I am feeling the pressure of needing to do more by my husband to relieve his stress, which is creating even more stress for me, which is overwhelming me more!  I can't say anything, cause I am afraid he will be upset, and then that will just cause more stress too!

I am feeling trapped right now, and overwhelmed with my "stuff".  I have just taken and thrown stuff without even looking to see what it is when I was angry!  I have had a few outbursts like that...which I don't like myself when I do.  But I am at that point of exploding or imploding.  Neither one is good or healthy.

I wish I could get someone to just come and help me.  But I have no idea who could.  Everyone is busy with their own lives and have their own worries and burdens and I am not one to impose.  So I am stuck. 

Well maybe today I can tackle some of this "STUFF"! I am tired of looking at it.  I am exhausted just thinking about it.  But I am going to try to get the table done.  It needs to get done!  It has to!

I Will Survive!: Heartache

I Will Survive!: Heartache: I don't understand why my life has to be this way? The stress is relentless and I keep trying to put a stop to it, but it increases two-fo...

Heartache

I don't understand why my life has to be this way?  The stress is relentless and I keep trying to put a stop to it, but it increases two-fold every time I do!  I can't stand where my relationships with the closest two people in my life are right now, and I don't know how it will ever get better.  It causes me a great distress and it doesn't matter what I say to either, they are both so bull-headed, they won't budge.  They both feel the exact same way!  To me, it's easy, but to them, oh no, it's huge!

I want to hide!  Crawl into a hole and just sleep and hide!  I can't though, I have a beautiful grandson to look after and care for.  He keeps me going..if it wasn't for him, I don't know if I would of made it through the last few months!

My heart aches everyday, as tears roll down my face when there is silence and no-one around.  I can not share my pain, when I do I am wrong.  Whether it is my emotional or physical pain.  Emotionally i am just wrong no matter what, and physically there is nothing that can be done so quit saying it and making someone else feel bad.  I can't do anything right at this point and I feel like I am dying inside. 

This is where my pain goes, and stays.  Right here on this blog, and it stays here.  It is my outlet, my only one for now, but not for long.  I can not take not being able to speak how I feel cause I am always wrong, which is how everyone else is feeling too.  We are so broken.....And I don't know if anyone realizes it but me in this relationship.  I am scared, lonely, frustrated, and very sad.  I just want things fixed, if they can be....