Demons

So I am battling my own deamons as of now.  Between my pain, exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and just general feelings of hopelessness!  I am trying to be strong, and stick to my guns about the decisions that I have made, but it is so hard.  I am so isolated, that I wish for closeness from anyone.  I can't say that my husband isn't trying, but he is in the middle of a conflict I am having right now with my daughter, so I really don't feel calmed by him right now.

Children, your own, can be so mean at times, and I am having that problem right now with my daughter.  We are so close, in fact too close, so that is what makes it so hard for me.  But I am taking a huge leap back, and staying there.  She is an adult and she needs to stand on her own two feet.  And that is exactly what she has to do now.

Since we are not even on speaking terms, my heart really aches, but I can not give in.  I always give in to her and that has to stop, and the only one who can make it stop is me.  I need to hold firm on how I was hurt, and stand by my emotions, and not just let it go like it never happened.  That is how I get myself in to these sticky situations that I shouldn't be in.  It is time to put me first and stick to it, no matter what.  No more making me feel guilty.  I will not allow it.

Everytime I give in the moster grows, the anxiety sets in, and the illness increases.  Even though I am sick now with a head clod from being so stressed out, I will be better than putting off the inevitable, and possibly getting so sick I end up in the hospital.  Nothing but rest for me lately.  That is all the energy I have.  Do a little, then rest.  No more running, and doing this, and doing that for others.  I need to take care of me, and by golly I am!

I am taking back my life, one step at a time.  It's not easy.  And know one really gets it.  I am doing the best I can though.  I am still surviving!

Battling Back

Ok, I am on my way back up from my breakdown the other day.  Trying to stay positive is sometimes impossible!  But I am here, and I am moving on.  I have slept a lot the last couple days, and feel as though I need even more!

Coming out of a major breakdown takes forever.  Not only am I dealing with pain, and loss of energy, I still need to deal with what put me in that position to begin with.  So I have been, and it isn't easy.

Sometimes I just get so overloaded, that I just snap!  I cried for two days and completely lost it on pretty much anyone around me.  I had reason to snap, but I hate getting to that point.  Problem is reminding people, hey I am sick!  And I shouldn't have to.  I think I go through this at least every six months.

Family and friends forget.  They see you going about your day and just assume you are doing fine, even if your not, you hate saying you feel like crap all the time!  Then your whining and they tune out anyways!  This is why I think I don't say much.  I don't see the point in it.  As long as I am moving around, I must be fine...

Like I have posted before, "if they could only see the pain inside!"  then they would know.  That is what makes this syndrome or whatever the heck they want to say it is almost impossible for people to understand.  Although, you can see the pain in my face.  I don't hide it real well when it gets to the point of, OK in my bedroom, leave me alone!  But I try not to do that because it is so depressing.  So as the saying goes, I am fine.

My life has changed so much, that at times I look back and think, wow, I really have lived life if you look at all I have done, and the fun I had!  So I can keep going knowing I didn't let much get pass me when I was healthy.  I did have a lot of fun, and now I just need to relax, and take a deep breath and what happens, happens.

I need to be strong.  It's the only way to fight this beast inside me.  The only way to keep living.  Never give up, or it will win, and that can not happen!  I won't let it because I AM A SURVIVOR!

feeling lost

So as of my last post, I have been trying to hold my own regarding my boundaries with my daughter and others.  Well it's working, but not necessarily in a good way.  My heart feels so open, hurt, and empty.  I have been crying for two days AND I don't know whats worse, the way it was before or now!

I just feel like I have to work to so much for others to understand, and frankly, I don't have the energy!  Why is it that it's my problem when it's not?  Why am I crying?  Why do I feel shitty?  Is it that this is what is meant to be?  I don't know anymore. 

I am trying to burry the pain and go on, but going on means relationships being broken at this point, and I don't know if I can handle it.  I know I am a strong person, just with all I have dealt with, but this is like looking straight into the sun where you really can't tell what the hell is what!

I am really feeling lost and all I have is this stupid blog that no one cares about anyways but me.  You think my family will read it? No I feel like I just need to be saved right now, even from myself.

My thoughts keep going places where they shouldn't go, and I question everything I am feeling.  It's like everytime I am finally at the place of moving on from this point, it all comes crashing down around me, when all I want is for them to reach out to me, and be there for me.  I don't think it's that much to ask, but the it's futile to them.  My world is spinning around on this merry-go-round, and all I can do is watch it spin out of control until I am sick.  And all my heart desires is for them to believe, and love me for me, sick or not, and not push me to the point of breaking, which is how it has been.

With my daughter, easy answer, get back on your meds!!!  Can I say anymore?  Get rid of the trash in your life and move on.  Damn!  Her ex's, leave me the fuck alone!  My husband, fuck just be there when you should, and quit being so damn judgmental!  Take a look in the mirror buddy!

I am ready to explode or implode, one or the other!  It's coming, and it scares the hell out of me because who knows what is going to come out of my mouth if I explode, and if I implode, I am hurting myself just as much.  I am lost right now!  The tears won't stop flowing, yet I can't and won't talk to anyone!  I don't know which way to turn.....

Understanding

Life's journey for me has taken many twists and turns.  What I have learned is that not everyone will stand beside you.  Some take a step back and leave.  Some step forward and help guide you, and others will hold your hand.  But no matter which way a person goes, it was meant to be.

I was watching "Joyce Moyer" this morning at about 5:30, and the message was as if it was for me.  I was suppose to be not sleeping and turned in to her on the television.  She was talking about people wasting time on their fears, and what a waste of energy it is.  This is so true!  Just because I am the person to take on the worries of everyone around me.  I myself know I should not do this, but continue to. 

Today is a new day and I am going to start listening to what I know is right, and let the rest go.  Easier said then done right?  But it is a goal for me.  I keep crossing those boundaries, especially with my daughter.  She is going to live her life the way it is intended for her, and I can not interfere, nor can I worry about every decision she makes.  It's not my place, and it's not intended for me to take on those worries.So as I continue to make decisions for myself, I am consciously choosing not to take on any extra worries that I have no control over anyways, and I give those worries to God. 

I want to live my life as much as possible.  I am a strong woman in my heart, and my mind.  People mistake my strength as a way for them to dump on me, because I can handle anything.  Well this is true of the old me, but now I can not allow this to happen anymore.  Truth be told, it was never healthy for me, but I was living at such a fast pace, I didn't take the time to really get to know me!

Although being stuck with a chronic illness has slow en me down, it has also been a gift in a way.  I know that sounds crazy, but it is true.  Had I not gotten sick, I would probably be divorced, and not have had a chance at a close relationship with my daughter, mother, father, and sisters.

My husband and I were arguing all the time, we never spent any time together, and niether of us were happy in the relationship.  He did his thing, and I did mine.  But never together.  We talked about getting divorced, but we knew deep down we did love each other, but we didn't know how to fix anything.

My daughter and I never spent time together, and she always said I was never there for her.  Which I could not understand.  I was there all the time  and in her corner when she needed someone there to help.  But what she really meant was I was not emotionally there for her.  And as I looked back, I really wasn't.  I would work all the time, then go home and sleep.  She felt I was never really there, even though physically I was.  It took me years to understand that.  Once I realized what she meant, I felt horrible.  I apologized and swore that would not happen again.  Although I can't keep that promise on my bad days, at least now she and I know why.

I didn't have a very good relationship with my parents.  At least not like a close relationship.  We never talked, never said we loved each other, and pretty much saw each other on Holidays.  That all changed when I got sick.  My parents were by my side through every surgery, every appointment for injections, every time I just needed someone by my side.  Had I not gotten sick, we would of never talked about the past, the future, or anything else.  I now tell them all the time that I love them, and they do the same.

I never saw my sisters before I got sick.  They would invite me to their homes on Holidays sometimes, but I would never go.  I just felt like they didn't really care about me.  Being the youngest of six kids, they felt I was favored, and always threw it in my face and were extremely mean about it.  Now I will go stay with my sister in Winona, it is so beautiful there.  And we talk a lot, and share our family lives together now.  My other sister is closer in distance to me and we get together whenever we have gas money!  Had I not become sick, I don't think anything would have changed.

So although I have a chronic illness, with extreme pain, I am thankful.  I have my family as a whole now, and a husband who loves me and has stayed by my side through all this craziness!  Isn't that what we all want?  These beautiful relationships with the people who mean the most!  I have to say, I am lucky, illness and all!

If you only knew me

If you only knew me;

You would know I am in pain everyday,

and I pray everynight.

If you only knew me;

You would realize I cry to myself at night,

hugging my pillows tight.

If you only knew me;

You would understand I don't feel strong,

infact I feel powerless in most situations.

If you only knew me;

You wouldn't ask how I am doing,

you would already know my answer.

If you only knew me;

You would know how the littlest bit of stress affects me,

and leaves me bed ridden for days.

If you only knew me;

You would know my heartaches,

and wants to join in life again.

If you only knew me;

You would know I want to be held,

ever so softly in your arms.

If you only knew me;

You would know how many times I have been to the edge,

and cried myself back to reality.

If you only knew me;

You would know I grieve my past life,

and I continue to go back and forth.

If you only knew me;

you would know it is all going to be fine,

because I am here today!  And I plan to stay!



Winter

I woke up this morning to a winter wonderland!  If I could only enjoy it.  I hate the fact that winter is upon me.  This appears to be the worst time for me.  Someone just opening up the door, and a breeze coming in, goes right to my bones!

Why is it in the winter, everyone seems to be in such a hurry?  Driving 80 on the freeway is not going to get you anywhere faster except into an accident.  And hopefully your not going to hurt someone else!  I find it frustrating.  I don't drive when it snows.  I have a hard enough time seeing in perfect weather, I sure am not going to risk my life out there when I can't see anything.

I have been very busy lately.  Mostly in my head thinking of how to move forward with a support group.  I am still thinking on logos, and because I want everything perfect, I am kind of stuck.   I do realize that it is not the logo that is important, it is the group itself.  I just need to start, and the logo will come.  I am still trying to figure out where the meetings should be.  Probably in my home until I get people to attend then move out into a place that is reasonable for all in the group.  As you can see, I am talking to myself as I am typing.  I tend to do this a lot!  It helps me though.

Last evening I went to a play called "Nickel and Dimed".  It was so good.  And so true about working class families.  the poor staying poor, and why.  It hit me right in the heart!  People and situations in life can keep people poor.  It's not laziness or general unwillingness.  They seem to have more survivor instincts then most human beings.  I've been there living in a vehicle with a baby!  The struggles I went through finding a place to call home, waiting on a list to get a home.  I remember those days always, As to never forget where I was, and where I am now.  I think that is an important character in people.

I realize I am all over the place today.  I can't help it.  I can't concentrate at all.  So for now I am done.  Maybe i can get it together later.

Vulnerabilities

I know I had become lost again for awhile.  The stresses in my life continue to flutter all around me.  I am again setting my boundaries and saying no, and trying to make the best decisions for me.  I wonder why I have to keep setting the same boundaries.  I know I break down easily, and I know it is because i just get so tired of arguing my point.  Family and friends sometimes seem to forget that there is a real reason why I say no.  But they also know that if pushed just enough, i will give in.  I would have to say that this is my fault for giving in, but it is also wrong of them to push me.

It's because of my exhaustion that I give in, which is totally crazy because usually it it means me having to do something that is going to cause me undo stress and exhaustion even more.  So my battle again is with myself to stay strong.  But as anyone with a chronic illness knows, it's not that easy.  I don't think my family intends to cause me stress, more illness, and exhaustion, but it happens enough. 

I think at times I also say yes to feel needed.  As I tend to feel useless to them, even though they are there and say they love me and to never feel that way.  they don't like me feeling alone and stressed.  they do know that I get really bad flares where I can hardly get out of bed and dressed.  And my flares tend to last along time, and then i am good for a day maybe two, and I go into another long exacberating flare.  this is how i live.  I realize that i am the key to my health.

All my life, I have been considered this strong person.  Physically and mentally.  But I hid so much from so many people.  I never wanted anyone to know how vulnerable I really was.  It didn't matter though, certain people were able to see through me and get into my vulnerabilities and make me feel ashamed, guilty, and just like I was wrong for what I was doing or what I was saying.

There was this guy when I was 19 that I was dating.  he was a master of confusion for me.  I was on the outside technically not  afraid of any thing or anyone.  I had put this wall up around me to not let others in.  This guy would tell me what to do , how to do it, and when to do it.  He was very violent.  He threw me into walls, would punch me, and he was so verbally abusive.  I couldn't believe I was in this relationship.  We had only been dating two weeks when the switch got flipped.  I was scared and had no idea how to get out.  I can not imagine how women can stay in such relationships, yet i understand the fear of leaving.  this relationship of mine lasted a couple months before I finally got out, and a restraining order didn't help.  But, my now husband did.  I will not say how, but that guy and his mother left me alone after an intense confrontation.

Bruce, my husband is not a very affectionate person.  He only sees thing as right or wrong, and there is no middle.  I know that affection for him is very guarded and rendered only to someone he truly cares about.  Even then it can become fleeting.  I have to laugh because I know he loves me dearly, but he has the strangest ways of showing it!

Getting back to that futile relationship I had, It changed me.  I now was scared of people again.  I felt like that child being abused and threatened, and in that relationship I froze in that state. Which is why it was so hard to get out, I always felt wrong.

After that, I became reckless.  I didn't care about my life or what might happen to my daughters if I wasn't around.  (to which she was born my senior year of high school with my on again off again first love)  I became this party girl always looking for the next party.  And boy, did I party.  But eventually it got old.  I wasn't happy and I knew it.  I needed a change, and a change I had to make to stop all the madness in my life.

Taking back me!

I have been very sore this week.  Dragging myself out of bed and trying to grasp some motivation to do anything has been exhausting.  I really haven't done much this week , but I managed to go to my massage therapist.  I do have to say that it wasn't relaxing at all this time.  My muscles were so tight, she couldn't get them to relaese at all.  So if that tells you how sore I am, imagine being in that much pain.  She worked my glutes as well.  My right hip is bad because it is inverted somehow inside the inside joint, and is full of arthritis.  This gal found every nerve ending that was screaming in pain this time!  As she worked my legs she hit the nerve by the knee on the side and my left leg from the knee down to my toes went numb.  I always find it so weird that she hits all these spots and how my body reacts to it.

I talked to an old friend this week.  In fact she came over and visited several hours yesterday.  She has been diagnosed with Fibro as well.  She is having such a hard time with it.  I remember being there some years back.  We talked, and talked about how her life has changed and no one understands her, and her husband says she is just lazy.   It really made me angry, but I just looked at her, smiled and said, it will be ok, I have been there, and I am here for you now.  She started sobbing a bit then composed herself and actually smiled a bit.  It felt so good for me to offer an understanding and compassion of what she is going through!  I didn't have that, and I remember how isolated I felt.  And I am so glad that she and I found each other again!  Although my week has been rough, I have found this little voice inside of me that is ready to reach out and do something extrodinary!

I know I have wonderful capabilities in me to help people, I have just been surpressing them because I don't need anymore stress in my life.  But now I am thinking this is my chance to do what I really have been craving to do, which is start a support group for people with chronic pain.  This area in northern MN, has no support.  People don't have a clue what it is, and people have no support that do suffer.  And according to one of my friends that works in a clinic up north of me, there are a huge amount of people with fm and cfs that just seem lost.  So why not do this!

I used to work as a behavior analyst, and I do miss my job.  I miss feeling like I accomplished something good.  Afterall, I am that people pleaser, and that is what I need to be careful with.  Setting boundaries and not crossing them.  It's funny how a lot of people who have had issues in their life end up in a psychiatric career of some kind.  In one role or another.  I remember going to college and just craving the information, and so much wanting to learn everything I could.  I loved to learn new things.

I am becoming a new person that I actually like again.  Even though pain still interupts my life, I will not give in.  At my lowest point I entered counceling and continued to go for three years straight twice a week every week.  I worked hard to get to where I am at today.  I still have some really hard days where I get depressed, but I go on.  I know I have to!  And not necessarilly for anyone else, but for me!  I want people to understand that, yes i am sick, and no you can't catch it, and yes i have good and bad days, but most of all, Don't judge me!  I believe that this is an important lesson for this community to learn.  I need to do this for me and all the others who suffer, but getting it together is going to be a lot of work!

As I continue this journey, I expect ups and downs.  But I know I will survive!