Burdens

So here I sit, wanting to cry.  But tears seem to have escaped my eyes.  My heart is heavy with burdens that I can't seem to settle.  I worry for my daughter and the decisions she has been making.  I see her struggling, and there is nothing I can do.  My illness takes over and I feel the pain, not only in my heart but piercing through my body.  I carry this like a suitcase that is too heavy and to large to manage.  I feel desperate as I can't move it or even slide it to get through.

My husband is angry.  He has worked three weeks in a row without a day off.  He is stressed and frankly so am I.  His negativity eats at my soul, trying to swallow me hole.  I hold on as if I am grasping at straw at the top of a large whole, hoping to find the piece that is strong enough to pull me up.  I don't know when I will find the strong enough piece, but I still hold on.

All the drama and sadness that is surrounding me is swallowing me whole.  I am fighting the demons to stay positive and find the tunnel of light to escape the horrible scene.  Where are my tears, I can't find them.  I need a release.  Help should be right around the corner, but do I have to master it?  I've made some calls trying to reach out.  Will they help?  I don't know. 

I cannot continue to live this way.  The damage this is doing to me is not exactly known yet.  But it will not be good.  Yet I am here to fight the fight anyway I can.  Darkness has overpowered my family, and I need to find the light to escape.  What it will look like in the end I don't know.  But I will survive.  I am strong.  I just need to find that power within me to continue a few more days.

Struggling

Life' journey continues to be a struggle.  I have been in so much pain, and nothing seems to help.  I have seen the chiropractor three times, it hurt so much during the adjustments, and I still have no relief.  My arm continues to tingle and have numbness from my shoulder to my fingers.  I don't think this is the FM.  I believe it is from the top of my back below the fusion in my neck.  This scares me.  there is nothing that they can do because I have no more stable discs in my back.
So life must go on and I must learn to deal with it the best that I can.  Which isn't easy for me, or anyone around me.  I just am scared of losing function completely in my arm, especially since it is my dominant arm and I write with it.  I feel like a hen pecking at the keys, as i can't even type right anymore.
My ear is still clogged and I can hear out of it on and off.  Mostly just the ringing though.  which completely irritates the crap out of me.  No pain meds....  Which has been challenging itself.  Tramadol, but it is like I haven't taken anything.  It doesn't work for me.
I just want my life to be simpler.  I don't want to deal with all the drama that goes on in my life with my family.  Sometimes I just want to run away and not look back.  it's not like I don't spend all my time alone anyways.  Now I am just babbling.
Well I have company so I need to cut this short.  my adoptive daughter is here!  Time to spend some quality time.

Pain

As the Holidays round the corner this next coming week, I find myself wondering what I need to do to stay calm.  Usually my stress peaks out, but it has already done that and I am finding myself on the down side of things.

The pain I have been in lately has been about an 8 on the pain scale.  Each year, month, and day that goes by, i find myself testing my limits of pain more and more, pushing through what i need to.  My ribs and breathing being affected really stinks.  I shake from the pain, as I have no pain killers.  The darvocet I was taking has been taken off the market, and my doctor replaced it with tramadol.  I doesn't do anything for me, it's like I am taking nothing at all.  I have an appointment to see my doctor, but it's not until the 30th of this month.  So I am focused on meditating and doing very, very little. 

I still put on my fake smile and go about as to not be looked at like, "again?"  People need to understand that it's not again, it's all the time!  It's not one area over another, it's all of it all the time.  yes sometimes an area can hurt more than others at times, but it all hurts all the time. 

My body shakes as I try to control how it feels.  My arm is weak, and I have loss more and more function lately.  I probably have a pinched nerve again but in my upper neck from all the inflammation I have.  It tingles from my shoulder to my fingers.  I am dropping things and fear what is happening.  My ears ring, and my right ear still feels like I am underwater and everything echos.  My jaw aches, and every now and then a stabbing pain goes through it.  My ribs quiver as I feel the pain shoot through them from my back to under my breast.  I feel as if I have a cement block sitting on my chest.  My legs shake and spasms run through them along with pain that starts in the groin and it feels as though ice is being stabbed into my nerves and scrapped down the nerves from the groin to my knees.  My hip throbs as i try to walk.   Even sitting in any position is unbearable to a short extent. My feet and calves spasm.  I keep telling myself, "you can do this!".  And I will.

I've had a headache for days, I really wish it would just go away.  My sleep is disturbed and I feel so exhausted that I wish i could just fall asleep and stay asleep, as I have a hard time with both.  I need some rest soon, as the pain gets worse with the more lack of rest I have been experiencing.  Someday soon.  I will survive, I always do.

Could it be any Harder?

As the days in my life seem to pass me by, I keep questioning my thoughts in my head.  Life is hard, but will I make it harder?  If i give up on my relationship, what will happen?  Will anyone ever take me as I am or will i just be stigmatized?  My nights are lonely.  My life is lonely.  I just want to live my life with no regrets which i thought I was doing, but I am so unsure now.

Living in a fibro fog is frustrating.  I started effexor a couple months ago, and it does help with the fog, but I still have some days that I couldn't tell you what i said right after i said it.  It's very frustrating for me, and I am sure it is for others around me, especially my husband.  Lately he gives me the vibe that he is thinking I am lazy.  He'll ask me to do something, and I completely forget.  i don't do it purposely, it just is that way.  And he gets angry and walks away uttering something under his breath.  I can feel his resentment for me.  I am not imagining it at all.  He'll comment, "So you did nothing again?"  And he refuses to learn about the fibro and what it all entails.

I am thinking we are just together now because it has been twenty some years!  I don't see him happy at all.  And frankly I am not happy either.  Since starting the effexor, I have had a little more clarity and I am noticing things in our life that I didn't notice before.  So I guess that med is working for me as far as cognitively recognizing things I hadn't before.

I don't know where I am going from here.  I am not sure what journey I am going to take, but I know I need to make a positive change for myself and my health.  I need to make it good before its my time.  I need to have happiness in my life, and reject the negativity I have been living in.  Each day a part of me vanishes, and I need to stop being in denial of everything.  This can't go on forever.

Confusion

I am so confused lately, actually for quite sometime.  My life's journey has been sporadic at best, sometimes even crazy would be the best term to use.  Sometimes the things worth living for the most can drive you to the brink of insanity.  Children, spouses, grandchildren, relatives and friends.  Why is it the ones we love most hurt us so deeply?  Forgive me if I am acting strange, I am not in a place of despair.  I am just thinking.

I try to be the best person I can be, but sometimes I think I could do better.  I caught myself purposely making my daughter and husband angry with me.  Why would I do that?  I am not sure of the answer.  Is it because I feel taken advantage of in so may ways from them at times?  I don't know, it is possible.

Lately my pain is so deep, it feels like icicle's running up and down my legs scrapping the whole way.  What can a person do to deal with this?  I don't really know how I get through because I know meds don't work.  The pain in my groin is so intense it makes me clench.  I have a double ear infection that hurts my jaw (TMJ) my neck, head and side of my face. 

As if i didn't have enough to deal with!  I try so hard to pretend I'm fine, that my husband roles his eyes if I say anything.  How would that make you feel?  I know I hate it, and it makes me think, do you really love me?  I mean, I know he loves me, but is he in love with me?  I don't think I can say yes to that anymore.  Which really breaks my heart.  Then I ask myself am I in love with him or do I love him?  And I can't answer that anymore either.  I struggle with so much, I get confused and I am unsure of everything.  I don't trust my judgement anymore.

Looking back at life I see all this ridicule, and hurtful words that have gone on between the two of us.  I think I have just been afraid to even think about it.  I feel I have failed him as a wife, which who cares what other people think, but is that what he thinks?  Intimacy has been out of the question with the areas of pain I have for the last year.  And I feel he doesn't care anyways, which as a woman is insulting to me.  This is pretty private to be putting out there and he would be pissed, but he don't read this anyways so it don't really matter.

I used to work as a behavior analyst for the state of MN.  I always had my shit together, not really.  On the outside it looked like it.  I was so good at hiding my insecurities and I was so proud that I could accomplish what i had in my life.  Meanwhile inside I felt as if I were dying, and I know a couple people knew, but for the most part I looked like I had it together.  I thought I felt strong then.  But I wasn't.  I was probably more vulnerable then, than I am now.  I worked with dual diagnosis clients and frankly sex offenders.  Everyone would ask how I could separate myself from the offenses that the clients had committed to work with them.  I just did.  They were people who had issues that needed help, and that is how it was.  With everything I have been through in my life it is odd that I ended up working with that clientele.  I think it was the search for understanding.  Which I don't think anyone can really understand it, but I tried really hard.  I have this part of me that needs understanding of others and their actions that kind of keeps me going.  Injustice is something close to my heart, and I feel like I keep thinking if i could just find something to connect with to understand why, things will make sense.  But telling a person that you molested them because they threw rocks at their pig, I don't even know what to say!  What kind of response are they looking for?  I will forgive you for throwing rocks at my pig if you forgive me for what happened.....FUCK!  Sorry, it is incomprehensible!  So yes as you might have guessed I am talking of my self.  How rotten and horrible is that?  I guess I thought if I could understand where that kind of person is thinking, I would be able to move on.  For the most I have, but it needed to be said.  there is no reason to hide it as far as I am concerned.  It happened, its in the past, I can't change it, it's part of who I am and who I have become.  And to be honest, I don't mind who I am.  I feel I am a strong enough person, with well meaning intentions with any relationship I have.  If people don't like me for who I am, then that is their problem and not mine.

Pain is covered by what I hide inside

Is God really on my side

I am down on my knees

begging you please

can you help me

Could it be any harder to face whats true

for I feel I am living my life without you

If I can get by just one more day

I promise you I will try to stay

If you take a look at my face you'll see

I've never left, would you look at me please

If our life is over, it will be ok

For I know I will see you another day