As I am realizing how long it has been since I have been able to actually sit and write, I realize how much life with fibro has gotten in the way. For the last month I have not been myself at all. Not even recognizing myself on most days. I have been living in this fog infested, out of mind and at times body and soul existence. Unable to pull myself together enough to make words come from my mouth the way I would wish them to come.
The stress in my life has been unbearable. Between the mental health issues with my daughter and husband not understanding. The loser boyfriend of hers that would not leave. The police having to be called multiple times only to tell me there is nothing they can do. The family that claims they are supportive, yet clearly are not. The exes that are psycho as well. And there I am having to deal with the fallout by being supportive. Then you add the issue of dependance and everything is about as stressful as it can be.
I don't think i am enabling, but maybe at some levels i am. Yet on other levels I am not. My sanity is hitting a brick wall and i am crashing hard! My fibro has taken over and i can't function anymore. I can't think, talk, or make a decision to save my own life. I have been home now for almost three weeks, and I am finally able to start to think again. Stress impacts everyone, but for someone with fibromyalgia, it causes you to flare. it's not just pain. My motor functioning decreases along with cognitive functioning. Migraines hit, and don't want to leave. My senses are on extreme alert. My eyes become very sensitive to light. they are anyways, but they become extremely sensitive to the point I cannot handle any light in the house. Smells become very noticeable. any smell i don't like, tends to be the only thing i can smell. Noise is the hardest for me. I can't handle people even talking, so I will isolate as much as possible. the blower for the furnace or air is an extreme irritant for me, and make me want to pull my hair out. even the dogs walking across the floor hurts my ears. the ringing in my ears is so loud I just hate it. And last, I can't handle anything touching my skin. i feel like things are crawling on my skin and I will scratch until i bleed even though it hurts to scratch. My soft sheets is about the one thing I can handle. Hence, i am severely crabby, short, irritable, and known to lash out for no reason as far as others think.
But when I have to hold it all together under these circumstances, I find that I go into this out of body experience of sorts until i am able to be home and hide from the world. I still don't know how I do it. I won't remember a lot of the time when it is an extended amount of time, weeks I am talking about. But this has always been my mechanism for protecting myself from bad situations in my life that I don't know how to deal with. Ever since i was a child. But now, it hits me hard when i feel safe again. Everything I felt multiplied by ten, and then i am layed up for how ever long.
I am feeling so trapped in this life with fibro. Trapped in this life with stress. trapped in this life of emotions that I am unable to express for no one wants to listen. This is my outlet! This is my life! This is one more day that I will Survive!
The stress in my life has been unbearable. Between the mental health issues with my daughter and husband not understanding. The loser boyfriend of hers that would not leave. The police having to be called multiple times only to tell me there is nothing they can do. The family that claims they are supportive, yet clearly are not. The exes that are psycho as well. And there I am having to deal with the fallout by being supportive. Then you add the issue of dependance and everything is about as stressful as it can be.
I don't think i am enabling, but maybe at some levels i am. Yet on other levels I am not. My sanity is hitting a brick wall and i am crashing hard! My fibro has taken over and i can't function anymore. I can't think, talk, or make a decision to save my own life. I have been home now for almost three weeks, and I am finally able to start to think again. Stress impacts everyone, but for someone with fibromyalgia, it causes you to flare. it's not just pain. My motor functioning decreases along with cognitive functioning. Migraines hit, and don't want to leave. My senses are on extreme alert. My eyes become very sensitive to light. they are anyways, but they become extremely sensitive to the point I cannot handle any light in the house. Smells become very noticeable. any smell i don't like, tends to be the only thing i can smell. Noise is the hardest for me. I can't handle people even talking, so I will isolate as much as possible. the blower for the furnace or air is an extreme irritant for me, and make me want to pull my hair out. even the dogs walking across the floor hurts my ears. the ringing in my ears is so loud I just hate it. And last, I can't handle anything touching my skin. i feel like things are crawling on my skin and I will scratch until i bleed even though it hurts to scratch. My soft sheets is about the one thing I can handle. Hence, i am severely crabby, short, irritable, and known to lash out for no reason as far as others think.
But when I have to hold it all together under these circumstances, I find that I go into this out of body experience of sorts until i am able to be home and hide from the world. I still don't know how I do it. I won't remember a lot of the time when it is an extended amount of time, weeks I am talking about. But this has always been my mechanism for protecting myself from bad situations in my life that I don't know how to deal with. Ever since i was a child. But now, it hits me hard when i feel safe again. Everything I felt multiplied by ten, and then i am layed up for how ever long.
I am feeling so trapped in this life with fibro. Trapped in this life with stress. trapped in this life of emotions that I am unable to express for no one wants to listen. This is my outlet! This is my life! This is one more day that I will Survive!
