It has been 19 days since I have been able to write. It has been too long. Stress has plagued my life in all areas. I wish i was that person I was so many years ago... I struggle with the battles i have within myself over what i should do, or what can i do. It frustrates me to know end.
I have not been here, for I have been at my daughters. I have been being the support that she needs right now. This isn't easy, as I have to put myself on the back burner, but it is something I must do for the time being. I don't have a problem mentally doing this, just physically doing it. I guess mentally it has become very draining as well if I am honest with myself. But how does a person say no when when your child needs your support. The kind of support that just being there is what is needed. There have been a few days I just had to hide, and she has respected that, so I think she is learning that yes, I can be there, but I may disappear for awhile.
I have also been having to help my parents out with a vehicle, so I just gave them my car. I figured, well if this helps the situation, then it is worth it. I worry about them, and of course I am the go to person in the family still, even though I think my oldest sister should be more involved. Just because i live down the road doesn't mean i am available all the time. Or that I should be responsible for everything that they need. She only lives 40 miles away if that. I guess that is what she said. Boy she does not get it at all. the burdens she puts on me are the ones that are so stressing, that I can barely handle it.
I am feeling disconnected lately. I don't know if it is a self-preservation mechanism, or if it is my meds. With the million and one things going on in my family life it is hard to tell. i have not used pain meds in two weeks. I have just out-right refused because of having to be clear in the moment with everything going on. Which has been good and bad. Fake niceness on some days.
I really hate when people ask me how I'm doing, and I just say ok, then they say well you look good! I don't look good, and I hate when people say that as if it is going to make me feel better. Quit asking me how I feel every time you see me. I feel like shit, quit asking, I always feel that way! I have noticed this a lot lately, and it is really irritating and seriously, I'm in sweatpants, how do you think I feel? Just say Hi..... I am ok with that. You know you don't really want to know, and your just being polite.
I know this seems negative. Maybe it is. But right now i cannot handle anymore. I am so disconnected, I just can't handle anything else. I am feeling buried underneath a tree and the roots are holding me down, and pulling me in all these different directions of pain and suffering, as it keeps my brain from receiving oxygen and I gasp for relief.
I will continue to survive. My struggles are long and deep. But I will go on. I will Survive!
I have not been here, for I have been at my daughters. I have been being the support that she needs right now. This isn't easy, as I have to put myself on the back burner, but it is something I must do for the time being. I don't have a problem mentally doing this, just physically doing it. I guess mentally it has become very draining as well if I am honest with myself. But how does a person say no when when your child needs your support. The kind of support that just being there is what is needed. There have been a few days I just had to hide, and she has respected that, so I think she is learning that yes, I can be there, but I may disappear for awhile.
I have also been having to help my parents out with a vehicle, so I just gave them my car. I figured, well if this helps the situation, then it is worth it. I worry about them, and of course I am the go to person in the family still, even though I think my oldest sister should be more involved. Just because i live down the road doesn't mean i am available all the time. Or that I should be responsible for everything that they need. She only lives 40 miles away if that. I guess that is what she said. Boy she does not get it at all. the burdens she puts on me are the ones that are so stressing, that I can barely handle it.
I am feeling disconnected lately. I don't know if it is a self-preservation mechanism, or if it is my meds. With the million and one things going on in my family life it is hard to tell. i have not used pain meds in two weeks. I have just out-right refused because of having to be clear in the moment with everything going on. Which has been good and bad. Fake niceness on some days.
I really hate when people ask me how I'm doing, and I just say ok, then they say well you look good! I don't look good, and I hate when people say that as if it is going to make me feel better. Quit asking me how I feel every time you see me. I feel like shit, quit asking, I always feel that way! I have noticed this a lot lately, and it is really irritating and seriously, I'm in sweatpants, how do you think I feel? Just say Hi..... I am ok with that. You know you don't really want to know, and your just being polite.
I know this seems negative. Maybe it is. But right now i cannot handle anymore. I am so disconnected, I just can't handle anything else. I am feeling buried underneath a tree and the roots are holding me down, and pulling me in all these different directions of pain and suffering, as it keeps my brain from receiving oxygen and I gasp for relief.
I will continue to survive. My struggles are long and deep. But I will go on. I will Survive!
