Demons

So I am battling my own deamons as of now.  Between my pain, exhaustion, depression, anxiety, and just general feelings of hopelessness!  I am trying to be strong, and stick to my guns about the decisions that I have made, but it is so hard.  I am so isolated, that I wish for closeness from anyone.  I can't say that my husband isn't trying, but he is in the middle of a conflict I am having right now with my daughter, so I really don't feel calmed by him right now.

Children, your own, can be so mean at times, and I am having that problem right now with my daughter.  We are so close, in fact too close, so that is what makes it so hard for me.  But I am taking a huge leap back, and staying there.  She is an adult and she needs to stand on her own two feet.  And that is exactly what she has to do now.

Since we are not even on speaking terms, my heart really aches, but I can not give in.  I always give in to her and that has to stop, and the only one who can make it stop is me.  I need to hold firm on how I was hurt, and stand by my emotions, and not just let it go like it never happened.  That is how I get myself in to these sticky situations that I shouldn't be in.  It is time to put me first and stick to it, no matter what.  No more making me feel guilty.  I will not allow it.

Everytime I give in the moster grows, the anxiety sets in, and the illness increases.  Even though I am sick now with a head clod from being so stressed out, I will be better than putting off the inevitable, and possibly getting so sick I end up in the hospital.  Nothing but rest for me lately.  That is all the energy I have.  Do a little, then rest.  No more running, and doing this, and doing that for others.  I need to take care of me, and by golly I am!

I am taking back my life, one step at a time.  It's not easy.  And know one really gets it.  I am doing the best I can though.  I am still surviving!