feeling lost

So as of my last post, I have been trying to hold my own regarding my boundaries with my daughter and others.  Well it's working, but not necessarily in a good way.  My heart feels so open, hurt, and empty.  I have been crying for two days AND I don't know whats worse, the way it was before or now!

I just feel like I have to work to so much for others to understand, and frankly, I don't have the energy!  Why is it that it's my problem when it's not?  Why am I crying?  Why do I feel shitty?  Is it that this is what is meant to be?  I don't know anymore. 

I am trying to burry the pain and go on, but going on means relationships being broken at this point, and I don't know if I can handle it.  I know I am a strong person, just with all I have dealt with, but this is like looking straight into the sun where you really can't tell what the hell is what!

I am really feeling lost and all I have is this stupid blog that no one cares about anyways but me.  You think my family will read it? No I feel like I just need to be saved right now, even from myself.

My thoughts keep going places where they shouldn't go, and I question everything I am feeling.  It's like everytime I am finally at the place of moving on from this point, it all comes crashing down around me, when all I want is for them to reach out to me, and be there for me.  I don't think it's that much to ask, but the it's futile to them.  My world is spinning around on this merry-go-round, and all I can do is watch it spin out of control until I am sick.  And all my heart desires is for them to believe, and love me for me, sick or not, and not push me to the point of breaking, which is how it has been.

With my daughter, easy answer, get back on your meds!!!  Can I say anymore?  Get rid of the trash in your life and move on.  Damn!  Her ex's, leave me the fuck alone!  My husband, fuck just be there when you should, and quit being so damn judgmental!  Take a look in the mirror buddy!

I am ready to explode or implode, one or the other!  It's coming, and it scares the hell out of me because who knows what is going to come out of my mouth if I explode, and if I implode, I am hurting myself just as much.  I am lost right now!  The tears won't stop flowing, yet I can't and won't talk to anyone!  I don't know which way to turn.....