Understanding

Life's journey for me has taken many twists and turns.  What I have learned is that not everyone will stand beside you.  Some take a step back and leave.  Some step forward and help guide you, and others will hold your hand.  But no matter which way a person goes, it was meant to be.

I was watching "Joyce Moyer" this morning at about 5:30, and the message was as if it was for me.  I was suppose to be not sleeping and turned in to her on the television.  She was talking about people wasting time on their fears, and what a waste of energy it is.  This is so true!  Just because I am the person to take on the worries of everyone around me.  I myself know I should not do this, but continue to. 

Today is a new day and I am going to start listening to what I know is right, and let the rest go.  Easier said then done right?  But it is a goal for me.  I keep crossing those boundaries, especially with my daughter.  She is going to live her life the way it is intended for her, and I can not interfere, nor can I worry about every decision she makes.  It's not my place, and it's not intended for me to take on those worries.So as I continue to make decisions for myself, I am consciously choosing not to take on any extra worries that I have no control over anyways, and I give those worries to God. 

I want to live my life as much as possible.  I am a strong woman in my heart, and my mind.  People mistake my strength as a way for them to dump on me, because I can handle anything.  Well this is true of the old me, but now I can not allow this to happen anymore.  Truth be told, it was never healthy for me, but I was living at such a fast pace, I didn't take the time to really get to know me!

Although being stuck with a chronic illness has slow en me down, it has also been a gift in a way.  I know that sounds crazy, but it is true.  Had I not gotten sick, I would probably be divorced, and not have had a chance at a close relationship with my daughter, mother, father, and sisters.

My husband and I were arguing all the time, we never spent any time together, and niether of us were happy in the relationship.  He did his thing, and I did mine.  But never together.  We talked about getting divorced, but we knew deep down we did love each other, but we didn't know how to fix anything.

My daughter and I never spent time together, and she always said I was never there for her.  Which I could not understand.  I was there all the time  and in her corner when she needed someone there to help.  But what she really meant was I was not emotionally there for her.  And as I looked back, I really wasn't.  I would work all the time, then go home and sleep.  She felt I was never really there, even though physically I was.  It took me years to understand that.  Once I realized what she meant, I felt horrible.  I apologized and swore that would not happen again.  Although I can't keep that promise on my bad days, at least now she and I know why.

I didn't have a very good relationship with my parents.  At least not like a close relationship.  We never talked, never said we loved each other, and pretty much saw each other on Holidays.  That all changed when I got sick.  My parents were by my side through every surgery, every appointment for injections, every time I just needed someone by my side.  Had I not gotten sick, we would of never talked about the past, the future, or anything else.  I now tell them all the time that I love them, and they do the same.

I never saw my sisters before I got sick.  They would invite me to their homes on Holidays sometimes, but I would never go.  I just felt like they didn't really care about me.  Being the youngest of six kids, they felt I was favored, and always threw it in my face and were extremely mean about it.  Now I will go stay with my sister in Winona, it is so beautiful there.  And we talk a lot, and share our family lives together now.  My other sister is closer in distance to me and we get together whenever we have gas money!  Had I not become sick, I don't think anything would have changed.

So although I have a chronic illness, with extreme pain, I am thankful.  I have my family as a whole now, and a husband who loves me and has stayed by my side through all this craziness!  Isn't that what we all want?  These beautiful relationships with the people who mean the most!  I have to say, I am lucky, illness and all!