Vulnerabilities

I know I had become lost again for awhile.  The stresses in my life continue to flutter all around me.  I am again setting my boundaries and saying no, and trying to make the best decisions for me.  I wonder why I have to keep setting the same boundaries.  I know I break down easily, and I know it is because i just get so tired of arguing my point.  Family and friends sometimes seem to forget that there is a real reason why I say no.  But they also know that if pushed just enough, i will give in.  I would have to say that this is my fault for giving in, but it is also wrong of them to push me.

It's because of my exhaustion that I give in, which is totally crazy because usually it it means me having to do something that is going to cause me undo stress and exhaustion even more.  So my battle again is with myself to stay strong.  But as anyone with a chronic illness knows, it's not that easy.  I don't think my family intends to cause me stress, more illness, and exhaustion, but it happens enough. 

I think at times I also say yes to feel needed.  As I tend to feel useless to them, even though they are there and say they love me and to never feel that way.  they don't like me feeling alone and stressed.  they do know that I get really bad flares where I can hardly get out of bed and dressed.  And my flares tend to last along time, and then i am good for a day maybe two, and I go into another long exacberating flare.  this is how i live.  I realize that i am the key to my health.

All my life, I have been considered this strong person.  Physically and mentally.  But I hid so much from so many people.  I never wanted anyone to know how vulnerable I really was.  It didn't matter though, certain people were able to see through me and get into my vulnerabilities and make me feel ashamed, guilty, and just like I was wrong for what I was doing or what I was saying.

There was this guy when I was 19 that I was dating.  he was a master of confusion for me.  I was on the outside technically not  afraid of any thing or anyone.  I had put this wall up around me to not let others in.  This guy would tell me what to do , how to do it, and when to do it.  He was very violent.  He threw me into walls, would punch me, and he was so verbally abusive.  I couldn't believe I was in this relationship.  We had only been dating two weeks when the switch got flipped.  I was scared and had no idea how to get out.  I can not imagine how women can stay in such relationships, yet i understand the fear of leaving.  this relationship of mine lasted a couple months before I finally got out, and a restraining order didn't help.  But, my now husband did.  I will not say how, but that guy and his mother left me alone after an intense confrontation.

Bruce, my husband is not a very affectionate person.  He only sees thing as right or wrong, and there is no middle.  I know that affection for him is very guarded and rendered only to someone he truly cares about.  Even then it can become fleeting.  I have to laugh because I know he loves me dearly, but he has the strangest ways of showing it!

Getting back to that futile relationship I had, It changed me.  I now was scared of people again.  I felt like that child being abused and threatened, and in that relationship I froze in that state. Which is why it was so hard to get out, I always felt wrong.

After that, I became reckless.  I didn't care about my life or what might happen to my daughters if I wasn't around.  (to which she was born my senior year of high school with my on again off again first love)  I became this party girl always looking for the next party.  And boy, did I party.  But eventually it got old.  I wasn't happy and I knew it.  I needed a change, and a change I had to make to stop all the madness in my life.