Taking back me!

I have been very sore this week.  Dragging myself out of bed and trying to grasp some motivation to do anything has been exhausting.  I really haven't done much this week , but I managed to go to my massage therapist.  I do have to say that it wasn't relaxing at all this time.  My muscles were so tight, she couldn't get them to relaese at all.  So if that tells you how sore I am, imagine being in that much pain.  She worked my glutes as well.  My right hip is bad because it is inverted somehow inside the inside joint, and is full of arthritis.  This gal found every nerve ending that was screaming in pain this time!  As she worked my legs she hit the nerve by the knee on the side and my left leg from the knee down to my toes went numb.  I always find it so weird that she hits all these spots and how my body reacts to it.

I talked to an old friend this week.  In fact she came over and visited several hours yesterday.  She has been diagnosed with Fibro as well.  She is having such a hard time with it.  I remember being there some years back.  We talked, and talked about how her life has changed and no one understands her, and her husband says she is just lazy.   It really made me angry, but I just looked at her, smiled and said, it will be ok, I have been there, and I am here for you now.  She started sobbing a bit then composed herself and actually smiled a bit.  It felt so good for me to offer an understanding and compassion of what she is going through!  I didn't have that, and I remember how isolated I felt.  And I am so glad that she and I found each other again!  Although my week has been rough, I have found this little voice inside of me that is ready to reach out and do something extrodinary!

I know I have wonderful capabilities in me to help people, I have just been surpressing them because I don't need anymore stress in my life.  But now I am thinking this is my chance to do what I really have been craving to do, which is start a support group for people with chronic pain.  This area in northern MN, has no support.  People don't have a clue what it is, and people have no support that do suffer.  And according to one of my friends that works in a clinic up north of me, there are a huge amount of people with fm and cfs that just seem lost.  So why not do this!

I used to work as a behavior analyst, and I do miss my job.  I miss feeling like I accomplished something good.  Afterall, I am that people pleaser, and that is what I need to be careful with.  Setting boundaries and not crossing them.  It's funny how a lot of people who have had issues in their life end up in a psychiatric career of some kind.  In one role or another.  I remember going to college and just craving the information, and so much wanting to learn everything I could.  I loved to learn new things.

I am becoming a new person that I actually like again.  Even though pain still interupts my life, I will not give in.  At my lowest point I entered counceling and continued to go for three years straight twice a week every week.  I worked hard to get to where I am at today.  I still have some really hard days where I get depressed, but I go on.  I know I have to!  And not necessarilly for anyone else, but for me!  I want people to understand that, yes i am sick, and no you can't catch it, and yes i have good and bad days, but most of all, Don't judge me!  I believe that this is an important lesson for this community to learn.  I need to do this for me and all the others who suffer, but getting it together is going to be a lot of work!

As I continue this journey, I expect ups and downs.  But I know I will survive!