I try to be the best person I can be, but sometimes I think I could do better. I caught myself purposely making my daughter and husband angry with me. Why would I do that? I am not sure of the answer. Is it because I feel taken advantage of in so may ways from them at times? I don't know, it is possible.
Lately my pain is so deep, it feels like icicle's running up and down my legs scrapping the whole way. What can a person do to deal with this? I don't really know how I get through because I know meds don't work. The pain in my groin is so intense it makes me clench. I have a double ear infection that hurts my jaw (TMJ) my neck, head and side of my face.
As if i didn't have enough to deal with! I try so hard to pretend I'm fine, that my husband roles his eyes if I say anything. How would that make you feel? I know I hate it, and it makes me think, do you really love me? I mean, I know he loves me, but is he in love with me? I don't think I can say yes to that anymore. Which really breaks my heart. Then I ask myself am I in love with him or do I love him? And I can't answer that anymore either. I struggle with so much, I get confused and I am unsure of everything. I don't trust my judgement anymore.
Looking back at life I see all this ridicule, and hurtful words that have gone on between the two of us. I think I have just been afraid to even think about it. I feel I have failed him as a wife, which who cares what other people think, but is that what he thinks? Intimacy has been out of the question with the areas of pain I have for the last year. And I feel he doesn't care anyways, which as a woman is insulting to me. This is pretty private to be putting out there and he would be pissed, but he don't read this anyways so it don't really matter.
I used to work as a behavior analyst for the state of MN. I always had my shit together, not really. On the outside it looked like it. I was so good at hiding my insecurities and I was so proud that I could accomplish what i had in my life. Meanwhile inside I felt as if I were dying, and I know a couple people knew, but for the most part I looked like I had it together. I thought I felt strong then. But I wasn't. I was probably more vulnerable then, than I am now. I worked with dual diagnosis clients and frankly sex offenders. Everyone would ask how I could separate myself from the offenses that the clients had committed to work with them. I just did. They were people who had issues that needed help, and that is how it was. With everything I have been through in my life it is odd that I ended up working with that clientele. I think it was the search for understanding. Which I don't think anyone can really understand it, but I tried really hard. I have this part of me that needs understanding of others and their actions that kind of keeps me going. Injustice is something close to my heart, and I feel like I keep thinking if i could just find something to connect with to understand why, things will make sense. But telling a person that you molested them because they threw rocks at their pig, I don't even know what to say! What kind of response are they looking for? I will forgive you for throwing rocks at my pig if you forgive me for what happened.....FUCK! Sorry, it is incomprehensible! So yes as you might have guessed I am talking of my self. How rotten and horrible is that? I guess I thought if I could understand where that kind of person is thinking, I would be able to move on. For the most I have, but it needed to be said. there is no reason to hide it as far as I am concerned. It happened, its in the past, I can't change it, it's part of who I am and who I have become. And to be honest, I don't mind who I am. I feel I am a strong enough person, with well meaning intentions with any relationship I have. If people don't like me for who I am, then that is their problem and not mine.
Pain is covered by what I hide inside
Is God really on my side
I am down on my knees
begging you please
can you help me
Could it be any harder to face whats true
for I feel I am living my life without you
If I can get by just one more day
I promise you I will try to stay
If you take a look at my face you'll see
I've never left, would you look at me please
If our life is over, it will be ok
For I know I will see you another day
It sounds very painful. And looking for a connection, an answer, making things correct, sound like something I do hourly. Fibro is real, chronic pain syndrome is real and it can be the most aweful pain you have ever felt. So, take care of your self girl!
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