Pain

As the Holidays round the corner this next coming week, I find myself wondering what I need to do to stay calm.  Usually my stress peaks out, but it has already done that and I am finding myself on the down side of things.

The pain I have been in lately has been about an 8 on the pain scale.  Each year, month, and day that goes by, i find myself testing my limits of pain more and more, pushing through what i need to.  My ribs and breathing being affected really stinks.  I shake from the pain, as I have no pain killers.  The darvocet I was taking has been taken off the market, and my doctor replaced it with tramadol.  I doesn't do anything for me, it's like I am taking nothing at all.  I have an appointment to see my doctor, but it's not until the 30th of this month.  So I am focused on meditating and doing very, very little. 

I still put on my fake smile and go about as to not be looked at like, "again?"  People need to understand that it's not again, it's all the time!  It's not one area over another, it's all of it all the time.  yes sometimes an area can hurt more than others at times, but it all hurts all the time. 

My body shakes as I try to control how it feels.  My arm is weak, and I have loss more and more function lately.  I probably have a pinched nerve again but in my upper neck from all the inflammation I have.  It tingles from my shoulder to my fingers.  I am dropping things and fear what is happening.  My ears ring, and my right ear still feels like I am underwater and everything echos.  My jaw aches, and every now and then a stabbing pain goes through it.  My ribs quiver as I feel the pain shoot through them from my back to under my breast.  I feel as if I have a cement block sitting on my chest.  My legs shake and spasms run through them along with pain that starts in the groin and it feels as though ice is being stabbed into my nerves and scrapped down the nerves from the groin to my knees.  My hip throbs as i try to walk.   Even sitting in any position is unbearable to a short extent. My feet and calves spasm.  I keep telling myself, "you can do this!".  And I will.

I've had a headache for days, I really wish it would just go away.  My sleep is disturbed and I feel so exhausted that I wish i could just fall asleep and stay asleep, as I have a hard time with both.  I need some rest soon, as the pain gets worse with the more lack of rest I have been experiencing.  Someday soon.  I will survive, I always do.