Rainy Days

Rainy days always seem to be the worst for me.  The cold, damp air creeps into my bones, and hides in the crevices and it seems impossible to warm them up!  Although the aches and spasms start a couple days before the rain comes.  I always seem to know when the weather is changing, as the old farmers would say"I can feel it in my bones".

Oddly enough, the pain I speak about is so intense, I do not feel that others can truly comprehend how I feel.  To explain it is awkward, because no words can do justice for how I feel.  It's so much easier to smile and say I'm fine, then having to explain, after all, I don't look sick on most days.  I can't remember a day that I wasn't in pain in one way or another ever since I was a child.

As a child I hid everything.  No one could know anything.  I was always fine.  And as I got older I held on to that message that was created for me.  But hiding your pain, whether physical or emotional, your bound to snap sooner or later.  We are not meant as human beings to cage everything up inside of us.

When I snapped, my world was turned upside down, and I was the one who did it.  I was angry, very angry.  I hated the world and blamed everyone around me for all the pain I had experienced.  My new motto was never let anyone get too close, and hurt them before they hurt you.  How ugly is that?

I still hold things in, but now I cry.  I cry for comfort, I cry for understanding, and I cry for that child I used to be.  Wishing for a life I have never really known, and never will.  Grieving for a life I felt cheated from.  Already knowing what to expect from my life, a sentence of pain.

Is it possible to get past the grief and move on?  YES!  I live each day to fullest that I am able, and any accomplishment, no matter if it is just doing one load of laundry, is a victory!  Just because chronic pain is part of my life, I don't have to let it control me.  It may to a point, but I am here and I will be here tomorrow still accomplishing something!  Even if these victories are only seen by me, they are still victories, and I will take that.  Some days it is just mustering up enough energy to get out of bed and get dressed.  But that's ok.  Do I give in sometimes?  Yes, I think we all do, but i still do the best that I am able to for that day.  And if know one else can see that it is my best, to hell with them.  They are on my mean list for the day!

Meds are a natural part of my life now.  I used to hate taking any kind of pill and had a really bad gag reflex.  Now I'll take five at a time no problem.  It would be nice if just one would help, but of course i take a cocktail of them.  But it was worse when i took nothing so I take them faithfully now.  I did my own experimenting with them, and I take them right now.  I could not imagine not having insurance, I am already paying $300 out a month in meds.  My insurance isn't that great, but at least it's something.

So for now, I am exhausted.  went to bed late last night and was up early this morning.  I feel it is time to rest.  But I accomplished putting up my blog!  And that is good enough for me!