I talked to a long time friend this morning who was recently diagnosed with FM.  As we were talking, I kept thinking in the back of my head, "I was there".  I could here the pain in her voice.  And not just the physical pain!  The pain of being scared, the kind that eats you up!

Chronic pain illnesses rob you of every asspect of your life.  As I explained to her, you grieve.  You  grieve for the life you once knew, you grieve for your loss of functioning, you grieve for an income, you grieve for yourself as if you have died.  Then there is this person, that you don't know, and don't want to be, standing there looking back at you in the mirror.  You look the same, but every part of you is different, and unknown.  It is one of the scariest places to be to not know who you are anymore!

You question everything in your life that you once knew.  Your angry!  Angry at your body, angry at yourself, angry at the doctors.  The anger burns inside of you, and when it does, you create all this stress inside that makes you feel even worse.  Then to have nobody to understand what you are going through is the hardest part.  One day you can walk a mile, the next you can't get out of bed.  Family sometimes have the hardest time, because they see you on a daily basis.  It's like well, you did this yesterday, and now your saying you can't move because your in so much pain?  They tend not to understand and need to be educated by you, your doctor, or just leave them articles to read!

Everything I have been through to this point has been a huge obstacle to overcome.  Some days are better then others, but that pain is always there.  Deep down inside you.  You try to continue living the way you used to but it doesn't work anymore.  You eventually come to the understanding that you have to make amends with your body, mind, and soul.  Once you can do that, and let go of some that negative energy, you are able to at least deal with your life. 

Knowing first that you never commit to something down the road is so important.  Now is when you start living day to day, hour to hour, and your life becomes a little more managable.  Destressing your life is not always possible, as I very well know, but if you can start managing your self, you can at least save some stress from happening.

I have a hard time with stress.  I have a daughter who is ill, three grandbabies, and a husband who likes things a certain way.  My life is full of stress!  I tell them all the time, "we will see".  It's my first words out of my mouth these days when asking if I would like to do something.  My husband has gotten a lot better with it, but my daughter is so stressed herself these days, she doesn't hear what i am saying. So it gets hard for me.

Guilt is a huge problem when dealing with family and close friends.  I always feel guilty even though I know I shouldn't.  I am the person in my family that was somehow picked to be the go to person for any family problems.  Even after I became disabled, I am somehow still that person.  So when something needs to be down for my parents, I am there.  I know how much they appreciate it, and I know they worry about me.  I am the youngest of six kids, and I purchased 40 acres from my parents years ago.  So I am close to them.  Even though my two brothers are actually across the street from them, it is still me.  My doctor tells me I am the glue of my family, all of it.  He tells me to slow down, but then tells me if it weren't for me, who knows what my parents would do.  So How do I stop being the go to person with that on my concious?  I can't and I won't.  So I take it on willingly knowing it isn't actually the healthiest thing for me to do.

Life isn't always easy, but at least I am living it.