Pain and Frustration

Waking up today was not a pleasant experience.  Pain running through my neck and shoulders, down my shoulder blade and around my ribs.  It is frustrating that this pain is always there, and only lets up here and there.  I started having spasms last night, and by this morning it was exruciating!  I can barely get my right arm to work.  I went to brush my hair, lifted my arm, and it came flailing back down as the pain intensified and a severe spasm started.

For most people the thought of being in pain makes them cringe.  They don't really understand what it is like for someone to be in pain all the time.  Yes, we fake it and go on with our day, and we suffer in silence.  Inside we are dying to scream out "Help Me"!  But we don't.  No matter what we are strong!  Doctors say we are more susceptable to pain and we feel pain more then others.  I don't by it!  I know I can handle a lot of pain, and I don't say anything.  I just keep going because that is what we are suppose to do right?

I grew up on a farm.  I worked my ass off ever since I was a child.  So to not be able to do simple tasks like brushing my hair, or brushing my teeth, frustrates me to no end!   How do you explain that kind of pain to someone?  They look at you like you are crazy and making it up.  I can't or should I say don't tell my husband much anymore.  I feel as if I am just complaining, and honestly he doesn't want to hear it!  Not because he doesn't love me or care or thinks I'm faking, it's because he doesn't know what to do or say, and all he would like to do is fix it for me!  He can't handle that I am in pain, and he can't do anything to help or fix it.  He is a fixer, I think most men are.  They like to fix the problem.  I can't imagine the frustration he goes through on a daily basis knowing he can't fix it, he is the sole provider, and he has to take care of the house as well.  I know it has to be overwhelming, and I feel guilty for that.

So yet again the guilt eats at me, even though I know that there was nothing I could do about it.  I didn't ask to get sick.  It wasn't part of my plan or our plan!  We were suppose to be so active and go four wheeling , and hiking, and so much more!  Now I am unable to do the things I enjoyed the most.  I am not the person he married anymore, and at times I tend to push him away.  His father was sick his whole life battling cancer.  He was in and out of hospitals his whole life.  My husband hates hospitals, and it triggers anger and anxiety for him.  So now he is married to someone who is sick all the time and has had several major surgeries and is in and out of the hospital all the time!  This is not the life he wanted, and I know this.  I am so frustrated and at times I just hate myself for ruining his life.  At least that is how I feel.