Life’s Journey (continued)

So basically I have gone through life with what I would say is “victim” stamped on my forehead.  Anything that could possibly happen, has happened to me.  Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.  I was a sickly child, that grew up on a farm, so there was actually no time to be sick.

My first memories of child hold were not of birthday parties or family vacations, but of being molested.  Believe it or not I was only two,and the memory is like yesterday.  I was told that you can not remember things from that young of an age, but I can.  I remember everything, the pain, the smell, and threats.

Years of abuse took place for me, but I would hide in my mind and try to not be in the present until it was over.  I remember a second person who molested me when I was in Kindergarten.  He threatened my life and the life of my new born niece. I told him I wouldn’t tell because  “my grandfather does this too, and I would never tell.” 

Eventually at age 14, I snapped.  I found my best friend in bed with my boy friend at a party.  I lost it.  I literally had a nervous break down and ended up in the hospital.  Days later when they finally released me I had to go back to school and face them both.  that was something I did not want to do, but I did.

I remember everyone in school was saying I overdosed on cocaine or something like that.  I had never touched any drugs in my life! There was one person who stuck up for me, he had done this once before in fourth grade.  TS you will always have my heart for that.   I was embarrassed, and panic stricken.  I did not want to be there, so I ran.  I left school, and no one noticed. 

Unfortunately, I my grandfather was coming for a visit, and I knew what that meant.  I was different now though.  This time things did not go his way.  Sad to say, but I beat the crap out of him, and left the house. 

I ran away the next day with my friend.  We ended up at a friends house a few towns away.  Her mom was pretty suspicious so we ended up leaving and finding shelter behind a bakery that had some huge boxes we used to block the wind and rain.  The next morning we decided to call her dad and go home.

My parents were so angry, as well as they should have been.  they didn’t know what was going on with me.  My  mom put me in counseling, where I just sat there and didn’t talk.  I was afraid and ashamed.  I didn’t want anyone to know.  Eventually she just stopped bringing me.

I started hanging around some other people that previously I would not have.  I was back with my boy friend for our on again, off again relationship.  But now my grandfather was coming again, but this time I was not going to be there.  I left.  A friend and I headed to the Twin Cities and it all went down hill from there.

I don’t have much recelection of what all happened, but I remember waking up in a group home with black hair!  I am a very white girl with blonde hair.  It did not look good at all!  This is when the abuse came out about my grandfather, but not my brother in law.  I was still ashamed, and embarrassed. 

From there on out I was mean.  I used to be a shy, timid girl.  Now I was just Mean, angry at the world and everyone in it.  Now I was the one beating up the girl who used to beat me up everyday at school.  My attitude was I am going to hurt you before you hurt me.