As I continue on, I struggle daily with the pain and confusion. I can't remember daily conversations, nor a conversation I may have had a week ago. It is very frustrating, and makes me upset and sometimes angry. The mental confusion I have had is so bad, and the pain just makes it worse.
I struggle with my relationships. Half the time I can't remember anything that was said and it becomes frustrating for everyone involved. My illnesses affect everyone close to me. Sometimes it puts a barrier between that I have to chip away at to make them realize that it's really not my fault that I forgot to make a phone call, or I was suppose to meet up with someone. It saddens me and I find myself in a depression.
The fog i am in has lasted a long time without clarity. I am in this world, yet I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Trying to get past it seems impossible. Yet I push on knowing that I can't just give in to it.
Today is the day i finally go see my doctor. Thank god! Yet I am scared at the same time. No one seems to have the spasms that I get. The ones in my neck that make me feel as if I am choking. It scares me that something else is wrong with me. I feel like a hypochondriac when i have to tell my doctor that something else is wrong. I know he believes in me and trusts me as far as something is wrong, but I know the nurses don't understand, and I often get looks from them like, oh what is it now, as I walk through. It is humiliating for me.
Sleep has not been on my side lately, and I am so tired. At times i wish i could lay down and just sleep the day away. That would never happen for me. Too much pain!
Well I suppose I need to cut this short and go see my mom as I promised. Then to the doctor at one. I hope the visit there doesn't bring any bad news.
I struggle with my relationships. Half the time I can't remember anything that was said and it becomes frustrating for everyone involved. My illnesses affect everyone close to me. Sometimes it puts a barrier between that I have to chip away at to make them realize that it's really not my fault that I forgot to make a phone call, or I was suppose to meet up with someone. It saddens me and I find myself in a depression.
The fog i am in has lasted a long time without clarity. I am in this world, yet I feel like I am on the outside looking in. Trying to get past it seems impossible. Yet I push on knowing that I can't just give in to it.
Today is the day i finally go see my doctor. Thank god! Yet I am scared at the same time. No one seems to have the spasms that I get. The ones in my neck that make me feel as if I am choking. It scares me that something else is wrong with me. I feel like a hypochondriac when i have to tell my doctor that something else is wrong. I know he believes in me and trusts me as far as something is wrong, but I know the nurses don't understand, and I often get looks from them like, oh what is it now, as I walk through. It is humiliating for me.
Sleep has not been on my side lately, and I am so tired. At times i wish i could lay down and just sleep the day away. That would never happen for me. Too much pain!
Well I suppose I need to cut this short and go see my mom as I promised. Then to the doctor at one. I hope the visit there doesn't bring any bad news.
Thanks for educating the rest of us. Hope you have many good days ahead and you feel better. I hope summer is kind and the winter will go away fast!! Nice blog site, it is a treat to my eyes!!
ReplyDeleteIn friendship,
Andy Dickey