As I continue my journey of life with my illnesses zapping me of all my energy, I realize that the magnitude of loneliness I feel is overwhelming. It is a loneliness that no one could possibly understand unless you are in my shoes. I have family and friends, yet I feel isolated. Afraid to tell people how I feel for they would not understand. This is what my illnesses do to me. The lack of ability to understand unless you are going through it as well is impossible to explain. There is no way to explain the way it takes away your life, and isolates you to keeping your thoughts to yourself. When you are ill and suffering the need to share is excruciating. But because of lack of understanding, you are unable to share.
I've been splitting my time between my daughters home, and my own, yet still feel isolated. I try to explain, but the stress of it all is too much. Why worry someone else when their stress is too much. I do not want to be a burden, nor make others feel they need to worry about me. I keep it to myself, it's best that way.
I have recently been battling yet another symptom, that has been increasing in duration and frequency. I do not know what it is from, but it takes my breath away. The strands of muscles that run from the back of your head down and across your throat keep spasming. They are increasing in strength and duration, and I feel as if I am being choked yet I am still breathing. They scare me horribly. Painful yes, but I can handle the pain, it's the emotional panic it brings on that is hard to deal with. What happens if it does choke me one of these times and I am not able to breathe? It is happening so frequently that while sitting on the couch at my daughters this week, I actually screamed out, scaring her as well as myself. I have never done that with anyone else around! She was like "YOU REALLY NEED TO GET THAT CHECKED OUT!" Yes, I know. But I fear having it checked out as well. What if something else is wrong with me? Something else to add to the list of diseases, or just another symptom of one? I don't know, and at this point, I feel like I don't want to know. I do have an appointment coming up, and I will mention it, but I am still scared about it.
I have been so stressed with life and family issues, that I have little time to think about myself. I know I should be putting my health in front of everything else, but it's not that simple. I try, but it just doesn't work out that way.
If I were to live my life putting myself first, I would be lonelier than I am now. And honestly, that is not where I want to be. My symptoms isolate me in my mind and body. Trying to manage my life around this is what I do. So when people say I need to take care of myself, I am, in a way. I focus on doing what I can, even if I shouldn't, because I need some resemblance of control over what I am doing. Even if it means I will flare as a result. It is my way of feeling needed, and if that goes away, the depression and isolation would be so overwhelming, that I would not be able to bare it!
It's a matter of "give and take". I give by continuing to do things I maybe shouldn't, and I take on the consequences of doing those things I shouldn't, hence the pain and emotional break down that goes along with it. It is a never ending circle, and I am creating it. But until i feel that others are OK, I will continue my battle.
Last night on my way home from my daughters, my husband and I stopped to get gas. While he was outside of the car, I was sitting in the car with my head resting on the back of the seat when this couple (young) came out of the station and the girl kept looking at me. I was only half oriented to it when she looks at me and says, "what the F#$% are you looking at you F##$ing B#$%$!" I wanted to jump out of the car and kick her butt! What is wrong with the younger generation these days? If you knew how ill I was, would you still say that to me? I was shocked and pissed all at the same time. It reminds me of how cruel people really are, it makes me feel ashamed of our community. Point being, People don't understand, nor do they want to. That is how I feel, and that is what makes me feel so alone in this journey.
Do people in the medical field understand how isolating these conditions are? Or are they just concerned with treating the pain? The pain is not what kills us, it's the isolation, and feelings of resentment, and lose of a life we once had that is causing us to give up and give in. To the point of do what ever you want to me, I don't care anymore! I am not an emotionally strong person anymore. At least I don't feel like it. It's because of all the crap in my head that I don't share, nor do I want to share.
For me, giving in is not an option! although I walk that thin line at times, I continue to go on. I feel if I give in, then others may give in, and I don't want that to happen. I must go on no matter what happens for I am a survivor, and I will get through whatever comes my way!
I've been splitting my time between my daughters home, and my own, yet still feel isolated. I try to explain, but the stress of it all is too much. Why worry someone else when their stress is too much. I do not want to be a burden, nor make others feel they need to worry about me. I keep it to myself, it's best that way.
I have recently been battling yet another symptom, that has been increasing in duration and frequency. I do not know what it is from, but it takes my breath away. The strands of muscles that run from the back of your head down and across your throat keep spasming. They are increasing in strength and duration, and I feel as if I am being choked yet I am still breathing. They scare me horribly. Painful yes, but I can handle the pain, it's the emotional panic it brings on that is hard to deal with. What happens if it does choke me one of these times and I am not able to breathe? It is happening so frequently that while sitting on the couch at my daughters this week, I actually screamed out, scaring her as well as myself. I have never done that with anyone else around! She was like "YOU REALLY NEED TO GET THAT CHECKED OUT!" Yes, I know. But I fear having it checked out as well. What if something else is wrong with me? Something else to add to the list of diseases, or just another symptom of one? I don't know, and at this point, I feel like I don't want to know. I do have an appointment coming up, and I will mention it, but I am still scared about it.
I have been so stressed with life and family issues, that I have little time to think about myself. I know I should be putting my health in front of everything else, but it's not that simple. I try, but it just doesn't work out that way.
If I were to live my life putting myself first, I would be lonelier than I am now. And honestly, that is not where I want to be. My symptoms isolate me in my mind and body. Trying to manage my life around this is what I do. So when people say I need to take care of myself, I am, in a way. I focus on doing what I can, even if I shouldn't, because I need some resemblance of control over what I am doing. Even if it means I will flare as a result. It is my way of feeling needed, and if that goes away, the depression and isolation would be so overwhelming, that I would not be able to bare it!
It's a matter of "give and take". I give by continuing to do things I maybe shouldn't, and I take on the consequences of doing those things I shouldn't, hence the pain and emotional break down that goes along with it. It is a never ending circle, and I am creating it. But until i feel that others are OK, I will continue my battle.
Last night on my way home from my daughters, my husband and I stopped to get gas. While he was outside of the car, I was sitting in the car with my head resting on the back of the seat when this couple (young) came out of the station and the girl kept looking at me. I was only half oriented to it when she looks at me and says, "what the F#$% are you looking at you F##$ing B#$%$!" I wanted to jump out of the car and kick her butt! What is wrong with the younger generation these days? If you knew how ill I was, would you still say that to me? I was shocked and pissed all at the same time. It reminds me of how cruel people really are, it makes me feel ashamed of our community. Point being, People don't understand, nor do they want to. That is how I feel, and that is what makes me feel so alone in this journey.
Do people in the medical field understand how isolating these conditions are? Or are they just concerned with treating the pain? The pain is not what kills us, it's the isolation, and feelings of resentment, and lose of a life we once had that is causing us to give up and give in. To the point of do what ever you want to me, I don't care anymore! I am not an emotionally strong person anymore. At least I don't feel like it. It's because of all the crap in my head that I don't share, nor do I want to share.
For me, giving in is not an option! although I walk that thin line at times, I continue to go on. I feel if I give in, then others may give in, and I don't want that to happen. I must go on no matter what happens for I am a survivor, and I will get through whatever comes my way!
No comments:
Post a Comment