Mental clarity escapes me. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. I can't seem to focus, and I can't reach my own self. I am in such a fog, that I can't remember the simplest things. Conversations are like they never happened. I am not in control and am feeling desperate to find some thing to hold on to.
Back on my meds after a day and a half of missing them. I forgot them at my daughters for just one night and had to wait until midnight the following night to get them back. I became violently sick. Not sure if it was from missing the meds, or flu. I still feel sick, but got my meds to stay down.
I feel the stress in my life is taking over and I can't stop it from robbing me of good days. I continue my best to fake my way through, as to not stress my family out more then they are now. I realize that the stress is key to my flares, and the fog that I have been in. But I am unable to relieve it at this time. I do my deep breathing exercises, which help, but I seem to have to do it constantly to keep myself calm. It is not reasonable to do this 14 hours a day.
I struggle as I try to stay positive for myself and others. I pray that there will be relief soon! I am unable to focus on things that I should be doing for myself, as I can't put two and two together to make four!
After seeing the doctor last week, I have yet another thing that is wrong with me. So a referral to a neurologist is where I go next. Possible botox injections in my throat/neck, and if it doesn't work, removal of certain muscles in my neck. Scary, and I haven't even really thought about it until just now. One more thing, and I can't even remember what it is called.
I had four injections that day into my shoulders! Two on the top and two on the side of the spine in upper shoulder area. It was very painful, but I took it like a trooper even though the pain traveled from the trigger points! At least we new we got them in the correct area! I hate cortisone shots, even with the lidocaine they hurt. And the spasms get intense a few days to a week later as it is starting to work. I had to set up a second appointment for six weeks out to go back and have four more shots! Not looking forward to it that's for sure.
My husband still does not understand anything about my diseases, syndromes. He is not willing to learn either. It bothers me that he doesn't go ahead and learn about it instead of constantly saying, your always sick. Yes, i am. And stress is why I am constantly sick and hurting. I have tried everything to get him to learn about it, but he rolls his eyes, and I instantly shut down as I feel it is pointless to even try. He doesn't want to hear about it at all, and it cuts into my heart and I feel alone.
I give up at this point. No sense in making myself feel worse by trying to share and being ignored or ridiculed about it. I so desperately want him to understand or at least try to have a bit more compassion, and realize that the little things he does, like rolling his eyes, or sighing, or making comments about me always being sick, affect how I feel physically, and emotionally tear me apart.
He is a wonderful man, don't get me wrong, but he is actually incapable of understanding. there is more to it then I care to share, but it is very hard for him to understand emotion. I love him, and yet feel alone at times. it just really saddens me.
Back on my meds after a day and a half of missing them. I forgot them at my daughters for just one night and had to wait until midnight the following night to get them back. I became violently sick. Not sure if it was from missing the meds, or flu. I still feel sick, but got my meds to stay down.
I feel the stress in my life is taking over and I can't stop it from robbing me of good days. I continue my best to fake my way through, as to not stress my family out more then they are now. I realize that the stress is key to my flares, and the fog that I have been in. But I am unable to relieve it at this time. I do my deep breathing exercises, which help, but I seem to have to do it constantly to keep myself calm. It is not reasonable to do this 14 hours a day.
I struggle as I try to stay positive for myself and others. I pray that there will be relief soon! I am unable to focus on things that I should be doing for myself, as I can't put two and two together to make four!
After seeing the doctor last week, I have yet another thing that is wrong with me. So a referral to a neurologist is where I go next. Possible botox injections in my throat/neck, and if it doesn't work, removal of certain muscles in my neck. Scary, and I haven't even really thought about it until just now. One more thing, and I can't even remember what it is called.
I had four injections that day into my shoulders! Two on the top and two on the side of the spine in upper shoulder area. It was very painful, but I took it like a trooper even though the pain traveled from the trigger points! At least we new we got them in the correct area! I hate cortisone shots, even with the lidocaine they hurt. And the spasms get intense a few days to a week later as it is starting to work. I had to set up a second appointment for six weeks out to go back and have four more shots! Not looking forward to it that's for sure.
My husband still does not understand anything about my diseases, syndromes. He is not willing to learn either. It bothers me that he doesn't go ahead and learn about it instead of constantly saying, your always sick. Yes, i am. And stress is why I am constantly sick and hurting. I have tried everything to get him to learn about it, but he rolls his eyes, and I instantly shut down as I feel it is pointless to even try. He doesn't want to hear about it at all, and it cuts into my heart and I feel alone.
I give up at this point. No sense in making myself feel worse by trying to share and being ignored or ridiculed about it. I so desperately want him to understand or at least try to have a bit more compassion, and realize that the little things he does, like rolling his eyes, or sighing, or making comments about me always being sick, affect how I feel physically, and emotionally tear me apart.
He is a wonderful man, don't get me wrong, but he is actually incapable of understanding. there is more to it then I care to share, but it is very hard for him to understand emotion. I love him, and yet feel alone at times. it just really saddens me.
My daughter is finally going to get the support she needs starting tomorrow. This should help me by knowing she will have more support! I am so happy for her. Her life will change in so many ways, she just doesn't know it yet. But I have faith in her and she will grow to love herself, and see herself as I see her! I am so proud of her. She is scared right now, and stressed, but I know she will feel better, and feel as proud of herself as I am of her! I am excited to see the transformation that will come from having the proper support system in her life.
At last, I am hoping for less stress in mine. I know it is right around the corner, I just need to survive it a little longer!
WOW, Hang in there bud. Been praying and hoping for the best. I believe that God has a purpose for your strength and endurance. I say this because I remember how strong you were in your youth. I hope others around you cam see you through this illness and trials. Your hubby some how needs to get it. Wish he supported and learned how to help you. Wish I had an answer for you, but I just have prayers and a concerned heart.
ReplyDeleteIn friendship and kindness,
Andy Dickey