Living in chronic pain and despair, the pain I write about is open for the world to see. As I tend to struggle with ups and downs, my progress fluctuates. There always seems to be something tearing me apart, attacking my heart and soul. It hits me harder then I think at times.
I try so hard to keep my mind positive and strong, even though at times I just can't. The monsters inside me take control over my body, and I feel as though I have been invaded. Once a hard working, self motivated person who felt that they had value in their life, now seeking out value from the ones I love, and feeling as if my life is passing me by. I can compare it to the old black and white movie that you watch but you can't quite understand as the voices don't match when they are talking.
I fight to keep my mind strong everyday as I can not seem to comprehend as i used to. I feel as if I am stupid, but I know I am not. It takes me so much longer to process information these days. And if I remember it five minutes later it's a miracle! My family gets frustrated, and I frustrate myself. Nobody can make me feel as bad about it as I do though. I punish myself in my thoughts everyday.
My growing frustration only adds to my resentment of my illnesses. I don't ask my self "why me" anymore, but I am still angry that it has taken over so much of my life. I wish that people will hear me when I say, "I am still here, I am surviving!" I may not be the person I was before, but I am still the same at heart. I may go through my ups and downs, but I am still here! I don't want to be looked at sympathetically, but some compassion would be nice. I may look fine, but I am so broken inside! And that I can not hide.
Living this way is so challenging. Who would of known how deeply these diseases' would affect not just me but my family, friends and community I ONCE was a part of. See, I am not apart of these anymore. Physically I am, but I am lost inside dying to be understood, and grasping at straws it seems. No matter how I explain what I go through, I don't feel they understand enough to honestly say that they get it.
I loved doing things with my family! I still do, but it is so hard to say yes these days. I don't know how I am going to feel an hour from now let alone a day, week, or month from now. It is a horrible feeling to always have to say, we will see. Friends don't call anymore, and being out and helping in the community is not an option. I can't stand for any length of time, I can't lift over 10 pounds without throwing myself into severe spasms of pain. Even sitting causes problems with numbness and burning pain.
It should be easy to see why I am left feeling so alone and isolated. And I feel as if most people don't care. I mean, who would want to call or ask me to do something when I can't commit. I guess I probably wouldn't either. After all, I don't look sick.
One of my close friends who lives in the same town as me just basically dropped off the planet, and we never talk anymore. I have tried, but I am done trying. Now I just don't care anymore.
My life is no more as it once was. That is a fact. But I am pushing on. I continue to struggle daily tyring to make sense of things that I should know. To conquer one day at a time is a huge accomplishment for me. I know it sounds crazy, but that is how it is.
As I sit and write, I wonder if I am making a difference for anyone else. It does help me just to release what is built up inside. Then at other times I think, why would anyone care to read this? It is just a person complaining most of the time, and frankly who wants to hear it. I feel I am everything that nobody wants to be. A shell of the person I once was. My intelligence appears to escape me at times. Unable to be a productive member of society, I feel guilt taking over my life and soul, and I am unable to rid the burden of grief.
It is hard to put myself out here baring my soul to all who dare to read. My life is hard and grueling at times. But I continue to survive even if it is one day at a time. I hope if your reading, you will continue this journey with me. It will make me feel less alone in this world. That is all I ask, to feel less alone....
I try so hard to keep my mind positive and strong, even though at times I just can't. The monsters inside me take control over my body, and I feel as though I have been invaded. Once a hard working, self motivated person who felt that they had value in their life, now seeking out value from the ones I love, and feeling as if my life is passing me by. I can compare it to the old black and white movie that you watch but you can't quite understand as the voices don't match when they are talking.
I fight to keep my mind strong everyday as I can not seem to comprehend as i used to. I feel as if I am stupid, but I know I am not. It takes me so much longer to process information these days. And if I remember it five minutes later it's a miracle! My family gets frustrated, and I frustrate myself. Nobody can make me feel as bad about it as I do though. I punish myself in my thoughts everyday.
My growing frustration only adds to my resentment of my illnesses. I don't ask my self "why me" anymore, but I am still angry that it has taken over so much of my life. I wish that people will hear me when I say, "I am still here, I am surviving!" I may not be the person I was before, but I am still the same at heart. I may go through my ups and downs, but I am still here! I don't want to be looked at sympathetically, but some compassion would be nice. I may look fine, but I am so broken inside! And that I can not hide.
Living this way is so challenging. Who would of known how deeply these diseases' would affect not just me but my family, friends and community I ONCE was a part of. See, I am not apart of these anymore. Physically I am, but I am lost inside dying to be understood, and grasping at straws it seems. No matter how I explain what I go through, I don't feel they understand enough to honestly say that they get it.
I loved doing things with my family! I still do, but it is so hard to say yes these days. I don't know how I am going to feel an hour from now let alone a day, week, or month from now. It is a horrible feeling to always have to say, we will see. Friends don't call anymore, and being out and helping in the community is not an option. I can't stand for any length of time, I can't lift over 10 pounds without throwing myself into severe spasms of pain. Even sitting causes problems with numbness and burning pain.
It should be easy to see why I am left feeling so alone and isolated. And I feel as if most people don't care. I mean, who would want to call or ask me to do something when I can't commit. I guess I probably wouldn't either. After all, I don't look sick.
One of my close friends who lives in the same town as me just basically dropped off the planet, and we never talk anymore. I have tried, but I am done trying. Now I just don't care anymore.
My life is no more as it once was. That is a fact. But I am pushing on. I continue to struggle daily tyring to make sense of things that I should know. To conquer one day at a time is a huge accomplishment for me. I know it sounds crazy, but that is how it is.
As I sit and write, I wonder if I am making a difference for anyone else. It does help me just to release what is built up inside. Then at other times I think, why would anyone care to read this? It is just a person complaining most of the time, and frankly who wants to hear it. I feel I am everything that nobody wants to be. A shell of the person I once was. My intelligence appears to escape me at times. Unable to be a productive member of society, I feel guilt taking over my life and soul, and I am unable to rid the burden of grief.
It is hard to put myself out here baring my soul to all who dare to read. My life is hard and grueling at times. But I continue to survive even if it is one day at a time. I hope if your reading, you will continue this journey with me. It will make me feel less alone in this world. That is all I ask, to feel less alone....
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