Continuing from my post last week, cognitive impairment comes in as number two on my list. this symptom is as annoying as can be. you have seen me before write about not being able to put the right words together. Or find the right thing to say at the right time. The feeling of becoming "dumb" compared to what I know my intelligence is.
The struggle with this symptom causes so many other symptoms, especially depression. Knowing what you mean, and not being able to put the words together to explain yourself is excruciatingly frustrating. Knowing you have that blank look on your face while someone is waiting for an answer or response.
I can not remember directions or instructions. i will forget them once the thought of the conversation is over. i have to write things down in order to remember anything. then the challenge is to remember to bring with the directions, or list that I wrote down if i didn't immediately put it in my purse.
I can not tell you how many times my husband has gotten upset with me for not making a phone call, or feeding the dog, or picking something up for him. It doesn't just affect me, it affects my relationships with others. Someone will call and I tell them that I have to call them back, and i completely forget that they even called! I don't mean to forget, but I do. it doesn't mean that I don't respect our relationship, or not care about you as a friend, I just simply don't remember. People don't believe me when I tell them this. And i am sure that a few of my relationships lost were due to this.
So the frustration living with the memory recall loss is right up at the top of my list. i don't know about others, but but it ranks right after pain. It is really bad when you live with someone who is as demanding as my husband, thus why I rank it at number two. It is also a cause of my disability, and why i can no longer work. Even repetitive instructions I will mess up! It's horrible..
Which brings me to my third worse symptom, depression. Pain itself causes me to be depressed. because I am unable to actively participate in life because of pain, I get really depressed. I try not to focus on what i used to be able to do, because there is nothing i can do about it and it is the past. but it always seems to sneak up on me when others are doing things i used to really enjoy and I am unable to participate because of pain, or because I know it will cause me more pain.
I guess when I am in pain and the simplest things in life are causing me more pain is when i get the most depressed. Like trying to pick a flower from a garden, or walk with my dogs, or the big one, playing on the floor with my grandsons or having them sit in my lap! These simplest things that on bad days that I can not do with out causing even more pain, and knowing i can't do them!
Then the fact that people with FM don't look sick, so people really don't understand that you are extremely sick! And the fact that this disease affects you mind, body, and soul, the depression at times is so overwhelming, that it would be easy to see why people would just give in to it, and just "be". No longer even trying to exist in the world where there is no understanding or compassion from others.
For those people is why I continue to push on! They are the reason why I will continue to "survive"! trying to reach them, trying to help them while making others aware. I want them to know they are not alone, nor do they need to be. All of us struggling with this disease know the loneliness and isolation it brings, but we must go on. We can not give in no matter what.
The struggle with this symptom causes so many other symptoms, especially depression. Knowing what you mean, and not being able to put the words together to explain yourself is excruciatingly frustrating. Knowing you have that blank look on your face while someone is waiting for an answer or response.
I can not remember directions or instructions. i will forget them once the thought of the conversation is over. i have to write things down in order to remember anything. then the challenge is to remember to bring with the directions, or list that I wrote down if i didn't immediately put it in my purse.
I can not tell you how many times my husband has gotten upset with me for not making a phone call, or feeding the dog, or picking something up for him. It doesn't just affect me, it affects my relationships with others. Someone will call and I tell them that I have to call them back, and i completely forget that they even called! I don't mean to forget, but I do. it doesn't mean that I don't respect our relationship, or not care about you as a friend, I just simply don't remember. People don't believe me when I tell them this. And i am sure that a few of my relationships lost were due to this.
So the frustration living with the memory recall loss is right up at the top of my list. i don't know about others, but but it ranks right after pain. It is really bad when you live with someone who is as demanding as my husband, thus why I rank it at number two. It is also a cause of my disability, and why i can no longer work. Even repetitive instructions I will mess up! It's horrible..
Which brings me to my third worse symptom, depression. Pain itself causes me to be depressed. because I am unable to actively participate in life because of pain, I get really depressed. I try not to focus on what i used to be able to do, because there is nothing i can do about it and it is the past. but it always seems to sneak up on me when others are doing things i used to really enjoy and I am unable to participate because of pain, or because I know it will cause me more pain.
I guess when I am in pain and the simplest things in life are causing me more pain is when i get the most depressed. Like trying to pick a flower from a garden, or walk with my dogs, or the big one, playing on the floor with my grandsons or having them sit in my lap! These simplest things that on bad days that I can not do with out causing even more pain, and knowing i can't do them!
Then the fact that people with FM don't look sick, so people really don't understand that you are extremely sick! And the fact that this disease affects you mind, body, and soul, the depression at times is so overwhelming, that it would be easy to see why people would just give in to it, and just "be". No longer even trying to exist in the world where there is no understanding or compassion from others.
For those people is why I continue to push on! They are the reason why I will continue to "survive"! trying to reach them, trying to help them while making others aware. I want them to know they are not alone, nor do they need to be. All of us struggling with this disease know the loneliness and isolation it brings, but we must go on. We can not give in no matter what.
UPDATE: I saw the neurologist last Friday and he told me I had severe fibromyalgia and that it wasn't under very good control....Hmmm, i didn't realize u can actually control it! I mean to a point you can do things to make it a less chance of flaring, but really? He did how ever add a few different meds, one for high blood pressure and two for migraines. One preventative, and one for when I feel it coming on. So that i hope will work since I am really tired of having them! An added plus is the meds make me tired at night, and I am able to fall asleep, so for two nights now i have not needed to take Ambien! So hopefully I can stop that med, but the trade up is two meds...I will continue to let you know how it's working.
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