I Will Survive!: Heartache

I Will Survive!: Heartache: I don't understand why my life has to be this way? The stress is relentless and I keep trying to put a stop to it, but it increases two-fo...

Heartache

I don't understand why my life has to be this way?  The stress is relentless and I keep trying to put a stop to it, but it increases two-fold every time I do!  I can't stand where my relationships with the closest two people in my life are right now, and I don't know how it will ever get better.  It causes me a great distress and it doesn't matter what I say to either, they are both so bull-headed, they won't budge.  They both feel the exact same way!  To me, it's easy, but to them, oh no, it's huge!

I want to hide!  Crawl into a hole and just sleep and hide!  I can't though, I have a beautiful grandson to look after and care for.  He keeps me going..if it wasn't for him, I don't know if I would of made it through the last few months!

My heart aches everyday, as tears roll down my face when there is silence and no-one around.  I can not share my pain, when I do I am wrong.  Whether it is my emotional or physical pain.  Emotionally i am just wrong no matter what, and physically there is nothing that can be done so quit saying it and making someone else feel bad.  I can't do anything right at this point and I feel like I am dying inside. 

This is where my pain goes, and stays.  Right here on this blog, and it stays here.  It is my outlet, my only one for now, but not for long.  I can not take not being able to speak how I feel cause I am always wrong, which is how everyone else is feeling too.  We are so broken.....And I don't know if anyone realizes it but me in this relationship.  I am scared, lonely, frustrated, and very sad.  I just want things fixed, if they can be....

XOXOXOXO

Another day passing me bye; 

Another day that I cry. 

The pain inside is so great;

I feel that I may never escape.

I know I wasn't there for you;

And now there is nothing that I can do.

I never knew I was hurting you;

I didn't even have a clue.

I wish I could do it over again;

Then maybe your heart would mend.

 xoxoxoxo

Surviving

It has been so long since I was able to sit and write/type.  I am just surviving. I have been stressed with family matters, and my anxiety is through the roof.  My depression had been kicking my ass until I was finally able to get some meds about a month ago.  I drag myself out of bed every morning and think to myself,... "lord it's another day!"  I am never sure how I feel about it due to the anxiety I know it will bring.  I fight to wake myself up enough to make a pot of coffee that I will drink until it is gone.  I try to remember to take my meds, then struggle to remember if I took them all later on.

My husband gets up and I get a tight feeling in the pit of my stomach.  What is not good enough today?  Who is he mad at today?  I know he needs to just vent, but it increases my agitation and anxiety to the point of me just wanting to shut down.  I don't know what to do with my feelings and I just hold them in, it's all I can do.

The burning in my shoulder and neck is horrific.  I went to the chiropractor and I said my pain was at a ten!  I meant a ten!  He told me that if it was truely a ten I would jump off a bridge.  I was in total shock!  I suffer from pain every fricken day of my life, I know pain!  If I had a bridge to jump off of at the time I probably would of jumped off the damn thing!  How dare he think that I don't know my pain scale.  I know my pain scale.  I was taking two vicodins every four hours and it wasn't doing a damn thing for my pain!  I plan on going back and saying something, but I needed time to cool off.  I am still very angry.  But at least my depression is a little better so I can actually hold a conversation without crying my eyes out!

As I am sitting here I find my pain creeping up on my pain scale again, of course I have no meds though.  I don't often take them, but the worse my depression is, the worse the pain is! 

 I am stressed.  I am overwhelmed. I am exhausted. I hurt all over with no relief.  I want out of my skin.  Until another day...............
I WILL SURVIVE!

 

As I continue on my journey in life with Fibro, I find myself stigmatizing myself as to what I am able to do at times.  So I try to look at life as if I am not some one that is sick, and i go about my business as if nothing is wrong, until I am tired.  then I must rest.

The stress hasn't gone away. So I must find ways around the stress to prevent myself from going crazy! I have been busy looking into local groups, which there are non without a lengthy drive.  But I keep pushing on.  I even attended a local meeting at the courthouse, but of course no-one showed up except me.

I don't feel as if my county is that freindly unless your are affiliated to one of the larger churches in the area which I am not.  I like my nice quaint group that I am with.  They are the friendliest people here.

As for now, this is short and sweet!  I am so exhausted that I can't think.  But I promise this, I will be trying some type of group this week!  Don't know which one, but one of them, and I will update how it goes. 

Life with Fibro

As I am realizing how long it has been since I have been able to actually sit and write, I realize how much life with fibro has gotten in the way.  For the last month I have not been myself at all.  Not even recognizing myself on most days.  I have been living in this fog infested, out of mind and at times body and soul existence.  Unable to pull myself together enough to make words come from my mouth the way I would wish them to come.

The stress in my life has been unbearable.  Between the mental health issues with my daughter and husband not understanding. The loser boyfriend of hers that would not leave. The police having to be called multiple times only to tell me there is nothing they can do. The family that claims they are supportive, yet clearly are not. The exes that are psycho as well.  And there I am having to deal with the fallout by being supportive. Then you add the issue of dependance and everything is about as stressful as it can be.

I don't think i am enabling, but maybe at some levels i am.  Yet on other levels I am not. My sanity is hitting a brick wall and i am crashing hard!  My fibro has taken over and i can't function anymore. I can't think, talk, or make a decision to save my own life.  I have been home now for almost three weeks, and I am finally able to start to think again. Stress impacts everyone, but for someone with fibromyalgia, it causes you to flare.  it's not just pain.  My motor functioning decreases along with cognitive functioning.  Migraines hit, and don't want to leave.  My senses are on extreme alert.  My eyes become very sensitive to light.  they are anyways, but they become extremely sensitive to the point I cannot handle any light in the house.  Smells become very noticeable.  any smell i don't like, tends to be the only thing i can smell. Noise is the hardest for me.  I can't handle people even talking, so I will isolate as much as possible.  the blower for the furnace or air is an extreme irritant for me, and make me want to pull my hair out.  even the dogs walking across the floor hurts my ears.  the ringing in my ears is so loud I just hate it.  And last, I can't handle anything touching my skin.  i feel like things are crawling on my skin and I will scratch until i bleed even though it hurts to scratch.  My soft sheets is about the one thing I can handle.  Hence, i am severely crabby, short, irritable, and known to lash out for no reason as far as others think.

But when I have to hold it all together under these circumstances, I find that I go into this out of body experience of sorts until i am able to be home and hide from the world.  I still don't know how I do it.  I won't remember a lot of the time when it is an extended amount of time, weeks I am talking about.  But this has always been my mechanism for protecting myself from bad situations in my life that I don't know how to deal with.  Ever since i was a child.  But now, it hits me hard when i feel safe again.  Everything I felt multiplied by ten, and then i am layed up for how ever long.

I am feeling so trapped in this life with fibro.  Trapped in this life with stress.  trapped in this life of emotions that I am unable to express for no one wants to listen.  This is my outlet!  This is my life!  This is one more day that I will Survive!


 

What is happening?

I don't know what to do.  I am stuck, and I feel myself being sucked down by quicksand and I am unable to get free!  I just need to break free!  I am lacking all energy and enthusiasm to go forward.  So here I sit.  In the muck as everything continues to go on around me, yet I can not focus on where or what i should be doing for me.

I am trying so hard to move forward with my plan of starting my support group, only to have pushed my mind into despair over not getting any phone calls, or feeling like I can possibly move forward anymore.  i just want this one consistent in my life, this line of support for me as well as for others!

So I am back in the glass ball looking out as the world goes by in strange rays of life that I know I should be a part of.  I am not functioning again.  I have no energy left, and I don't want to get out of bed or tackle any day!  I need the sunshine!  I need warm weather!  I need LESS STRESS!

In a perfect world maybe.  But as we all know, the world is not perfect, nor are we.  So I am still here, but barely.  I am trying to make it out of bed and just do something, but it is so hard right now.  I focus on others as to hide my own illness and it takes its toll.  I'm exhausted and I don't know which way to go.

I need people to understand that I will not give up!  Not on myself, or my family!  I just want our lives to settle down.  i want my grandsons to feel like they have a stable home rather then having to go back and forth every week.  I don't understand how any judge could say that it would be a good parenting schedule for children under the age of three or any age.  It doesn't make sense to me.  With that I really believe it is who you know in a small town.

So I continue to go back and forth to the cities to watch the grand boys while my daughter works.  Just until she finds daycare that will accommodate her crazy schedule.  Uggg..my heart goes out to her, she tries so hard to make sure she is always doing the right thing.  I love how others just love to knock her down trying to make themselves feel better.  It sickens me to no end, literally!

And she has such a pure heart, that she is beaten up inside all the time, it crushes her, and then it crushes me to see her that way.  My stress levels go through the roof.  I just want certain people to leave her alone!  When there is no contact, she is fine, when there is, it is horrible!

Ok enough of that.  As you can see my heart is fragile, and I am praying hard for things to settle down and take on a more "natural" course.  Until it does, I am afraid that my stress will remain the same and I will be unable to live the life I so desperately need too.  One of more solace with peace and happiness.